2nd Marriage Matters & More
Terrified of the end
This is my first marriage after my second engagement, and hubby's second marriage. We will be married 8 years in July and there are some signs that our relationship is in serious trouble. I recenty read that "true love" is feeling that feeling when you have a crush on someone for more than 4 months. I can honestly say that I felt it for about 6-7 years.
The problems started around the time that our third daughter was born and the intimacy went. In between our third and fourth children we were only intimate for a number of times that can be counted on one hand. Then with the birth of our fourth child, out went the romance. We used to work on our relationship with dates at LEAST once a month. That didn't necessarily have to lead to sex, but just being together, away from the kids was enough to keep us going.
When I brought these issues up with my husband he expressed regret, that he just can't handle life with 4 kids. Our youngest was a surprise, though we always talked about the possibility of having more children and weren't being that careful (even though there were few occasions in need of being careful). He says that he feels he doesn't have enough energy anymore and when I bug him after he comes home and I want to cuddle and watch TV, he just wants to sleep. In the weekends, he sleeps in and often skips church on Sundays to do so in a "quiet house." He spent time alone with the 2 younger ones for the first time just a few weeks ago when our youngest is turning one next month.
I admit that he is not completely at fault, I am by no means perfect. However I feel as though I am willing to work at us more than he is. He has also mentioned several times recently that he will not leave another family and that I am stuck with him for good. I don't feel like he should be talking that way and that we should want to be a family together. I have always believed that a family whose parents aren't happy together isn't happy, and that a marriage should always be maintained first.
Honestly I am terrified about what all of this means for us and what it will all amount to in the future. I don't want to leave him/for him to leave us. I just want for us all to snap out of it and go back to the way that things were. I still love him, though I don't have that "chrushy" feeling that I once did. I love him as a father to our children, a provider for our household, and a protector of our family - I feel like that is true love and that I will love him forever because of it.
Terrified of the end
This is my first marriage after my second engagement, and hubby's second marriage. We will be married 8 years in July and there are some signs that our relationship is in serious trouble. I recenty read that "true love" is feeling that feeling when you have a crush on someone for more than 4 months. I can honestly say that I felt it for about 6-7 years.
The problems started around the time that our third daughter was born and the intimacy went. In between our third and fourth children we were only intimate for a number of times that can be counted on one hand. Then with the birth of our fourth child, out went the romance. We used to work on our relationship with dates at LEAST once a month. That didn't necessarily have to lead to sex, but just being together, away from the kids was enough to keep us going.
When I brought these issues up with my husband he expressed regret, that he just can't handle life with 4 kids. Our youngest was a surprise, though we always talked about the possibility of having more children and weren't being that careful (even though there were few occasions in need of being careful). He says that he feels he doesn't have enough energy anymore and when I bug him after he comes home and I want to cuddle and watch TV, he just wants to sleep. In the weekends, he sleeps in and often skips church on Sundays to do so in a "quiet house." He spent time alone with the 2 younger ones for the first time just a few weeks ago when our youngest is turning one next month.
I admit that he is not completely at fault, I am by no means perfect. However I feel as though I am willing to work at us more than he is. He has also mentioned several times recently that he will not leave another family and that I am stuck with him for good. I don't feel like he should be talking that way and that we should want to be a family together. I have always believed that a family whose parents aren't happy together isn't happy, and that a marriage should always be maintained first.
Honestly I am terrified about what all of this means for us and what it will all amount to in the future. I don't want to leave him/for him to leave us. I just want for us all to snap out of it and go back to the way that things were. I still love him, though I don't have that "chrushy" feeling that I once did. I love him as a father to our children, a provider for our household, and a protector of our family - I feel like that is true love and that I will love him forever because of it.
That's a lot to handle, and then to have this emotional stress on top of that..Lots of hugs to you!
Don't fear the future...Direct it ! Go to your pastor and ask for some counseling for the two of you. If you insurance has an eap (most do), you can call and get a case number, they will
help you find a doctor in network, and you get 3 free sessions. It's time to voice your fears to him, and explain how you feel,
I think he is just overwhelmed, and maybe this isn't what he "envisioned" with his life..but that doesn't Change that you have 4 beautiful, God given gifts, called children, and it takes some planning, but you Can still be a married couple, too.
Often, men see their wives as "Mommy" after the kids come; instead of the "girlfriend" he viewd you as, before. This changes how they feel about you, se*ually. Well, we Have to get into Mommy Mode to tcb with our kids...how about They get into Daddy Mode? These are things you can discuss with him in front of a counselor.
I would think he would be So glad that his beautiful wife Wants to feel "crushy" about him!
Keep us posted!
Sincerely,
Pepper
One quick question. Does he have children from his first marriage? I am curious about his comment, "I won't leave another family."
As an outsider, listening to what you wrote, it almost reminds me of a kind of depression. Maybe not clinical depression that needs medication, but that sort of helpless feeling that "things just aren't ever going to get better. "
I agree, and our previous CL Pam used to always talk about the marriage coming first.
You had 4 children relatively close together, which would be a handful for anyone. It can also be tough if one parent stays home and the other works all day. Each tend to have expectations of the other at the end of the day which can add to the frustration.
It seems pretty clear your DH is really struggling to find time for himself. And being at work all day doesn't count. You also need to be able to find time by yourself, also. I say that, as although yes, marriage may come first, but if you are not OK with yourself, you can't be okay in a marriage.
I am no counselor, but going off of your post, that was the first issue that cought my attention.
Does he ever take off and do things with his friends? Do you ever take off and do things with your friends? Does he ever take the kids out for a couple hours so you can have the house to yourself. Even if just to take a nap?
Everyone is different. Some want to stay home with them, and some even go so far as to home school. Others send them off to private boarding schools. No one way is right or wrong.
I would be tempted to tell him he needs a vacation away from all of you. Maybe then he will appreciate what he has. OK, OK, maybe not exactly that. But truthfully, he made need an opportunity to miss all of you.
I have rambled enough. Hopefully there is something helpful in all of that. Like the others have said, counseling may help. But I am still leaning towards each of you getting your own time to yourself away from the other and the kids.
I hope you stick around and let us know how things go.
