[ersadie]

Okay, I'm sure I'm not the first, and certainly won't be the last, to have family that is unsupportive of breastfeeding, parenting style, etc... However, I could use some help from you Godesses of Wisdom...

I had to work two days (12 hour shifts) back to back this weekend and it was my DH's first time keeping DD "all alone" for that much time. He invited his mother to help both days, which I thought was great, but there was some discussion between them regarding 1) breastfeeding and 2) introducing solids. First,I should mention that this is actually his STEP mother, who has NEVER had children (and she's only 8 years older than us). She argued with him that breastfeeding, beyond 6 weeks, was only for the sexual pleasure of the mother and that it was a "Gross" habit forced upon the babies. She also said that "everyone in her family" was fed rice cereal by 2 months and started true solids by 4 months and that I was "starving Savannah". She suggested that this was why she ate every 2 hours throughout the whole weekend (and still wakes at night 3 - 4 times for feedings). He tried to explain things to her, and was very avid about defending me regarding breastfeeding, but he just doesn't have the helpful "Facts" to present to her. She agreed to do some reading if I printed her out some information, so.... I need LINKS!!! Thanks in advance for any help, I could use (more than one if possible) info supporting delaying solids, especially anything regarding WHY it's bad to get them early. Also anything good about breastfeeding and it's benefits until AT LEAST one year...

OH by the way, for those that have followed, DD took 17 oz EMB each day this weekend and finally finished her growth spurt, I believe... She slept almost the entire day yesterday!!!!

HUGS and thanks again!!!

Jenn and nursling Savannah (14 weeks)

[ersadie]

Okay, I'm sure I'm not the first, and certainly won't be the last, to have family that is unsupportive of breastfeeding, parenting style, etc... However, I could use some help from you Godesses of Wisdom...

I had to work two days (12 hour shifts) back to back this weekend and it was my DH's first time keeping DD "all alone" for that much time. He invited his mother to help both days, which I thought was great, but there was some discussion between them regarding 1) breastfeeding and 2) introducing solids. First,I should mention that this is actually his STEP mother, who has NEVER had children (and she's only 8 years older than us). She argued with him that breastfeeding, beyond 6 weeks, was only for the sexual pleasure of the mother and that it was a "Gross" habit forced upon the babies. She also said that "everyone in her family" was fed rice cereal by 2 months and started true solids by 4 months and that I was "starving Savannah". She suggested that this was why she ate every 2 hours throughout the whole weekend (and still wakes at night 3 - 4 times for feedings). He tried to explain things to her, and was very avid about defending me regarding breastfeeding, but he just doesn't have the helpful "Facts" to present to her. She agreed to do some reading if I printed her out some information, so.... I need LINKS!!! Thanks in advance for any help, I could use (more than one if possible) info supporting delaying solids, especially anything regarding WHY it's bad to get them early. Also anything good about breastfeeding and it's benefits until AT LEAST one year...

OH by the way, for those that have followed, DD took 17 oz EMB each day this weekend and finally finished her growth spurt, I believe... She slept almost the entire day yesterday!!!!

HUGS and thanks again!!!

Jenn and nursling Savannah (14 weeks)

[ulrikedg]

My wise friend, Joanne, wrote the following:

It's something I've learned in my years of parenting using alternative ideas. The specifics may change, but the principal doesn't. When setting boundaries, people (often moms) typically confuse setting the boundary with trying to convince the other person about how right they are in needing to set the boundary. In setting boundaries, we don't need to convince the other person we are right and they don't have to agree about the boundary. We just need to be prepared to enforce the boundary, at any cost, using progressively more firm responses (if need be).

I've found new moms often confuse boundaries and trying to convince someone of the *rightness* of their choices.

The best thing is to assert your boundary and *not* try to defend your choice.

Some family and close friend help.....

First, I learned early on that most of my choices were on a "need to know" basis. Most people don't "need to know". If asked "how is the baby sleeping?" Answer: Great! Thanks for asking! Want some bean dip?

"Are you sure you should be picking her up every time she cries?" Answer:"Yes! Thank you! Want some bean dip?"

"When do you plan to wean" Answer: "When she's ready. Thanks! Want some bean dip?"

Now, with some people you will need to set *firm* boundaries. They will need to be backed up with action (like hanging up, leaving the room or even the event). If it's a pattern of intrusion, for example. Practice kind but firm responses:

"I know you love us and the baby. We are so glad. Our sleeping choices have been researched and made. I will not discuss it again"

Also, don't confuse setting boundaries with trying to convince someone of the rightness of your choices. New AP moms often struggle with this. The boundary is that no one else has a right to tell you how to parent and create a hostile environment. You set boundaries by doing the above. Where new moms often invite problems is by citing authors, studies and sites to "defend" themselves. Each time you do so, you create more time for discussion and rebuttal and send the message that your decisions are up for debate. Don't defend your choices beyond generalities, and then only once or twice. "The doctor is in support of our choices. Want some bean dip?"

Finally, look them in the eye and say simply "I want us to have a good relationship. I want you to *enjoy* the baby. I'll parent the baby - you enjoy them. Let's not discuss this anymore. If you bring it up, I will leave the room."

--

Ulrike

[jr1967]

I love it!

Jo-Anna

[jenybean]

Jenn,

Hi hon. I'm glad to hear that you and Savannah are doing well with work and that DH is growing into his role of Daddy so well. Just tell your mother in law that you appreciate that she loves Savannah but you have done extensive research on breastfeeing and you KNOW what is best for your baby. If that fails, tell her to mind her own business. Giving her some links might help, but if it doesn't, don't sweat it.

I have the same problem with my MIL, she knows EVERYTHING <<rolleyes>> I often ask her where she got her medical degree.

Love,

Jeny

[olive2111]

Holy Cow!

Some People! I can't believe you have to put up with that after only 14 weeks! I completely agree with Ulrick's suggestions, YOU know you're doing the most perfect thing for your baby, she need only know that your decisions are the bottom line!

Oh well, you know what they say, don't let the man get you down (or step mother in law!)I really have no great input, I just wanted to comiserate (sp???) and lend a little support! My husbands grandmother (old school Connetticut "lady") spent 90% of our first visit with our 2 month old son asking loudly from the other room why Henry was hungry AGAIN, didn't he just eat? He's eating again? He's going to get fat! He was 8 weeks old!!!

My solution was to go upstairs and close our bedroom door! If anyone asked he was sleeping, apparently it's OK for babies to sleep 23 hours a day, so long as their not nursing every 2 hours!

Oh the weirdness of it all!

Good Luck!

Love Olivia and Henry (02/04/03)