[mafaldas3]

I am in my 30s, and I am married. My husband and I don't want children. I do not enoy being around children younger than 5, and I have limited patience for children between 5 and 12. I am not going to lie; I am not wild about my nieces and nephew.

And, now, my two closest friends are pregnant.

One told me in August. And, the other one told me last night. I am really upset. I know this is going to radically alter our friendships. I am happy for them, but I am sad I am losing my friends, my confidants, my support network. From experience, with another friend, I know what happens. For the first five years, my friends will be consumed by their babies. Then, with school comes that endless scheduling of drop-offs and pick-ups, extracurricular activities, and sleepovers. A good portion of the time we will be able to spend together will be devoted to talking about the brilliance and exceptionality of children who, like most of us, are just average and normal. Finally, they will seek to spend less time with me than with people who have children or their age or who understand the frustrations (and joys) of parenting, which I never will.

I promised both friends to be a great aunty. But, the truth is, I am not interested. I am not interested in having my conversations interrupted, in having to always travel to my friends' houses because they cannot easily go anywhere, in having to enthusiastically nod when they tell me about the child's latest accomplishment. I know our friendships are headed for the rubbish heap once the children arrive, so why bother?

I have to add that this is all exceptionally difficult for me as well because other than my friends, I have no support network. Both of my parents are dead. I do not have siblings. The rest of my family lives far away. Finally, my husband's family does not live near us, and, even if they did, they are not very supportive of each other, let alone me. Other than my husband, I have nobody but these two friends.

I don't know what to do. I am not sure I am thinking about this clearly. I have energetically avoided one of my friends since she told me she was pregnant in August. I know it is selfish and immature, but I wanted things to end on my terms, rather than feel abandoned after her kid arrives. But, I never thought my other friend would get pregnant so quickly, and I don't know what to do. I don't know if the right thing is to suck it up for 15 years, waiting for her kids (I am sure there will be a second child) to grow up so that we can reclaim the friendship. Or, should I just face the fact now that out friendship is over and abandon it on my own terms?

[mafaldas3]

I am in my 30s, and I am married. My husband and I don't want children. I do not enoy being around children younger than 5, and I have limited patience for children between 5 and 12. I am not going to lie; I am not wild about my nieces and nephew.

And, now, my two closest friends are pregnant.

One told me in August. And, the other one told me last night. I am really upset. I know this is going to radically alter our friendships. I am happy for them, but I am sad I am losing my friends, my confidants, my support network. From experience, with another friend, I know what happens. For the first five years, my friends will be consumed by their babies. Then, with school comes that endless scheduling of drop-offs and pick-ups, extracurricular activities, and sleepovers. A good portion of the time we will be able to spend together will be devoted to talking about the brilliance and exceptionality of children who, like most of us, are just average and normal. Finally, they will seek to spend less time with me than with people who have children or their age or who understand the frustrations (and joys) of parenting, which I never will.

I promised both friends to be a great aunty. But, the truth is, I am not interested. I am not interested in having my conversations interrupted, in having to always travel to my friends' houses because they cannot easily go anywhere, in having to enthusiastically nod when they tell me about the child's latest accomplishment. I know our friendships are headed for the rubbish heap once the children arrive, so why bother?

I have to add that this is all exceptionally difficult for me as well because other than my friends, I have no support network. Both of my parents are dead. I do not have siblings. The rest of my family lives far away. Finally, my husband's family does not live near us, and, even if they did, they are not very supportive of each other, let alone me. Other than my husband, I have nobody but these two friends.

I don't know what to do. I am not sure I am thinking about this clearly. I have energetically avoided one of my friends since she told me she was pregnant in August. I know it is selfish and immature, but I wanted things to end on my terms, rather than feel abandoned after her kid arrives. But, I never thought my other friend would get pregnant so quickly, and I don't know what to do. I don't know if the right thing is to suck it up for 15 years, waiting for her kids (I am sure there will be a second child) to grow up so that we can reclaim the friendship. Or, should I just face the fact now that out friendship is over and abandon it on my own terms?

[Rebeccaagnes]

I say this with the greatest affection - having gone through a very similar situation - you need to get a life! I'm a little older - 43 - and six years ago moved across the country with my husband for his job. ALL my closest friends from growing up, college, other jobs, have kids which I was already dealing with when I left. My sister, my husbands siblings, everyone in our family has kids. it does change those friendships, so you need to find some new friends. Not give up the ones you have but if you want to have friends who have the time, freedom and money you do, then you need to cultivate those friendships. This is a real work in progress for me...I'm definitely not there yet and still have alot of the same feelings you do. Here is what I recommend: 1. Keep in touch via email and phone with your pregnant friends. Don't do so much that you feel resentful - I got sick of kids parties and going to every kid event so I just didn't go to as many, but I still went to some. They are your friends and they are sitl important. 2. What you are missing is friends whose lifestyles are similar to yours. I have met new friends through: a. making plans with my husbands work colleagues and my work colleagues who don't have kids (and some who do.... ). b. I've made some great girlfriends through a local professional organization/networking group. This takes time - I was around for a few years in this group before I fell in with the group of close women friends. c. The gym d. Meetup.com - lots of womens groups with many women who are just like you, to match you up with people who have the same interests. You do have to put yourself out there! I found it wierd to ask women I would meet in a class or an event out on a "date" but I found that most women in their 30s and 40s without kids are very interested in expanding their social circle. Most childless women in their 30s are in the same boat as you! they want friends and fun, too! e. classes, graduate school... hiking clubs, knitting circles.... whatever your interests are....I 'm in two book groups and have met some good friends there. f. the gym, especially if you can join a group like a tri- training group or fitness classes. Anything that helps you make connections with others. don't worry so much about your friends..they are moving on to the next stage of their lives which is normal when you have kids. YOU need to plan the next stage of YOUR life ! Its hard and scary to start over but its what you need to do to add meaning and fulfillment to your life. It takes time, though - that was the hardest part for me. I had lived in the same place for 37 years.. when I moved across the country and didn't make lots of friends right away when I did the above things, I spent a few YEARS thinking "what's wrong with me?!" but it takes time. I am so there, i totally get it.... contact me anytime, I'd love to talk. Rebecca

[mafaldas3]

Thanks for your nice message... and for not accusing me of being selfish and thinking only of myself. (Which I was.) And for reminding me it's okay to move on with my life.

It is scary to think that I have had these close relationships for more than a decade and that now I have to go out and put myself out there. But, then, I was thinking, I packed up and left the US for nearly five years. My friends did not figure into the equation, nor was I around to give them support that you just can’t offer over Skype or email. Certainly I had the time to keep in touch with them from overseas, but time zones and life experiences did create temporary rifts that are probably no different than the chasm that a baby will create. I think I am particularly scared because my support network is so small, and it is not an easy time to lose my two closest friends.

Your advice is correct, though. I already scheduled myself to attend a meeting with a local No Kidding chapter. I also have to remind myself I have a lot of exciting things going on to occupy myself. I am renovating my home. I just started a new job. I have recently started working out again. And, finally, I am happy that I know myself well enough and I am brave enough to realize I don't want or need a child in my life to make me complete or to help me fit in.

I am also trying to convince myself that I need to at least keep up the pretense of being a friend. But, you are right that I should not do so much that I feel resentful. Resentment is something that I have been thinking about lately because most of my friends and acquaintances who have kids expect that my husband and I will be the ones to bend over backwards and to accommodate them because they have kids. For example, some friends invited us to have dinner at their house only to shush us every five minutes because the baby was sleeping. While I was glad they wanted to see us, I thought it was unfair they invited us over if the evening was to be so stressful. Another example: We went out to dinner with my cousin, his wife, their three-year-old child and several of his wife's family members. The little girl decided that she did not like what she had been served and instead she wanted chicken. So, my cousin demanded that we all fork over chicken to satisfy his daughter's whim.

I also think it would be easier for me if I understood why my friends are having children. I would not mind bending over backwards and accommodating a friend who required flexibility because of illness or a busy schedule while she completes graduate school, for example. In those examples, I understand why accommodation is required. But, because I don’t understand why having children is a good thing, I have a hard time understanding a friend who has a child and then expects me to do all the heavy lifting to keep the friendship going. When I make concessions for friends with children, I do not do it because I feel it’s the right thing; I do it because I know it’s the only way to keep the friend. Thus, I end up feeling resentful. I have not been able to identify any justifiable reasons to have children. I know this is judgmental. But, if I could figure out a sound and just reason for having a child, I would be more amenable to making concessions. Maybe someone on this board could shed a little light on why friends with children deserve my understanding and flexibility.

[Rebeccaagnes]

I hope you don't mind me responding again... just think of me as you in ten years. 

One thing that doesn't make much of a difference to you now and you'll have to trust me on.... 10 years from now, you'll be surprised when you get your friends "back".  I went through a fallow period with many friends when they had babies and through elementary school... at first, lots of activity, when they were first inviting their single friends to year 1 parties and so on.  Unless they are family members or "like family" that does slow down... as they make more friends with people who have kids, and they get more tired.  Many can sustain a strong (talking every week, seeing each other a few times a month) friendship with one kid - it gets harder for them when they have two under five, that type of thing.  I'm grateful for those friendships now.. and glad we kept up with each other... but there were some friends who I only talked to or saw every few months.  you have to give a little, and good friends will get it.... you really do have to understand what the other is going through.  

You just have to go with it... it goes both ways.  Invite them out with you and your husband, and let them say no if they can't get a sitter.  No hard feelings.  Don't feel like just bc they have kids that you have to go to their house all the time and deal with the "shushing."  How often? For me, I would do it a few times a year... or for shorter durations.   

Re: their expectations.  eh - whatever. Babies do change everything for a while.  Her life has changed.  Not everyone loves babies.  I used to try to schedule time with a friend on a Saturday afternoon - drop by her house with bagels and coffee, if the baby was fussy and we couldn't talk, I'd cut the visit short.  "Oh you have your hands full, it was so great to see you!"   Just don't expect things to be the same for awhile.  

As for the why...it's just the way of the world.  Things change.  And some people have kids, and some people don't.  You're not going to understand the why... I sometimes suspect some people have kids because "every one does it" or they didn't want to get a job.  Whatever.  Doesn't matter to you. 

It sounds like you're doing great things for yourself... being able to start over is a good skill for anyone to have.  As I get older, I realize more and more often, things change.  My dad died almost 35 years ago - my mom never really recovered, never got married again.  I think that made a big impression on me - resiliency is an important quality to develop, and being able to start over, like you observed, is a necessary skill to have in building a good life and being happy. 

You moved overseas!  you can handle a baby or two.  They are cute and cuddly.  Try to enjoy them a little, too.  

I've enjoyed reading what you've written - most of my friends do have kids or are maybe planning on it, so I don't get to talk to people "like me" often.  It does make me feel very different or outside the mainstream sometimes.... like, "what's wrong with me that I dont' want kids?  Everyone else does..."  

[mafaldas3]

Indeed, I understand you completely. I don't get to meet many women like me. And, like you, I often myself thinking there must be something terribly wrong with me. How can I not be pursuing this goal that consumes so many women? Why do I not want the pregnancy that has financially crippled several couples I know, due to IVF treatments? Why do I think a child would be torture when so many women break down in tears every month that ticks by without a missed period?

I guess I would feel better and normal if I understood the urge and had nevertheless decided to remain childfree.

Regarding liking children, I find it so hard to do in the part of the country where I live. I live in a place full of overachievers who begin working on their children's college applications sometime in the first few months of the child's life. Every child is a junior Einstein, the next Yo-Yo Ma, brighter than Kasparov. It is ridiculous. And boring. Everything about the child's life must be regimented. Missing lunch time at exactly 2:30 p.m. will imperil the child's chances to get into Princeton. Not taking the two-year-old to the Degas exhibit will mean the child will not shine at preschool. Clearly, I am exaggerating. But I am tired of children who are allowed to do what they please and who are petulant and arrogant and of parents who are so overwhelmed by work, long commutes, and the pressures of putting the children first--always first--that they have nothing interesting to say. Not everyone is like that, but most are.

It is nice talking to someone who I can be open about my feelings about parenting and children. Thanks for your advice, from 10 years in the future.