[katek23]

Oh wow have I gotten myself into a pickle!  I am 28 years old and have been married for almost 3 years.  When my husband and I got married, we had decided that "when it happens, it happens", and never did anything to either promote or prevent pregnancy.

Well after about the first year of marriage, my views started to change.  I was more focused on achieving other goals in life, and not so much on having kids.  I began thinking about how drastically things would have to change with kids in the picture, and I am not ready for that.  One big thing, is that one of us would have to quit our job, because we both work shift work that sometimes includes overnight work at the same time.  It might sound selfish, but I am not ready to give up my income and independence, and I shouldn't have to.  While I have the utmost respect for stay-at-home moms, I know it is something I would not want to do or enjoy doing.

The big problem is that my husband says that having kids is the most important thing for him.  We're way off base because he wants to have kids before we build a new house, and I would like the house ready and finished before having kids.  Problem is, this could be 5 or more years down the road.  My worry is that what if I get there and still really have no desire to have children?  It would all be a waste, and I know he wouldn't be happy in a marriage without children.

On another note, I do not find pregnancy "beautiful" as many women do.  It totally and utterly horrifies and disgusts me!  I believe this plays a large role in not wanting to have children, as I have had depression/low self-esteem issues my whole life.  The whole thought of labor, delivery, stretch marks, gaining weight, food cravings, a huge belly and morning sickness make me not want to have children all that much more.

I know this issue has caused rifts in our marriage.  I know it was unfair of me to change my mind after we were married, so please don't lecture me on that, I already know that wasn't right.  But at the same time, I don't want to have children and regret it and end being a horrible mother to a child I never wanted in the first place.

This is a super abbreviated version of my situation, but please anything advice or anything would be so, so wonderful! 

[katek23]

Oh wow have I gotten myself into a pickle!  I am 28 years old and have been married for almost 3 years.  When my husband and I got married, we had decided that "when it happens, it happens", and never did anything to either promote or prevent pregnancy.

Well after about the first year of marriage, my views started to change.  I was more focused on achieving other goals in life, and not so much on having kids.  I began thinking about how drastically things would have to change with kids in the picture, and I am not ready for that.  One big thing, is that one of us would have to quit our job, because we both work shift work that sometimes includes overnight work at the same time.  It might sound selfish, but I am not ready to give up my income and independence, and I shouldn't have to.  While I have the utmost respect for stay-at-home moms, I know it is something I would not want to do or enjoy doing.

The big problem is that my husband says that having kids is the most important thing for him.  We're way off base because he wants to have kids before we build a new house, and I would like the house ready and finished before having kids.  Problem is, this could be 5 or more years down the road.  My worry is that what if I get there and still really have no desire to have children?  It would all be a waste, and I know he wouldn't be happy in a marriage without children.

On another note, I do not find pregnancy "beautiful" as many women do.  It totally and utterly horrifies and disgusts me!  I believe this plays a large role in not wanting to have children, as I have had depression/low self-esteem issues my whole life.  The whole thought of labor, delivery, stretch marks, gaining weight, food cravings, a huge belly and morning sickness make me not want to have children all that much more.

I know this issue has caused rifts in our marriage.  I know it was unfair of me to change my mind after we were married, so please don't lecture me on that, I already know that wasn't right.  But at the same time, I don't want to have children and regret it and end being a horrible mother to a child I never wanted in the first place.

This is a super abbreviated version of my situation, but please anything advice or anything would be so, so wonderful! 

[cmjenas]

I don't think you're wrong or unfair for changing your mind. It's how you feel, and there's nothing wrong with that. Could it be that you want the house ready and finished before having kids because it gives you a few more years of not having to really discuss the kids issue with your husband? His point about wanting kids before the house makes sense to me because you will have a better idea of your income will be before building a new home and all the expenses that will go with it. But, if you don't want kids at all, then I think the question of when to build a house is the least of your worries.

Is this something you would be willing to end your marriage over? Do you think there's any chance of your husband agreeing to be CFBC? Or of you changing your mind?

[Margaux_X]

Changing your mind, especially in your 20s when so much personal growth is taking place, is completely normal. What sounds ideal at 20 is often very different from the dreams you have at 25...28...30...and so forth. Heck, 5 years from now, the idea of owning a home where you are responsible for all the yardwork, etc, may sound less than appealing and you'll find you prefer owning (or even renting) a condo instead. That's not to say you'll change your mind about children, but you just don't know what life ... and your dreams ... may be like even a year from now. Perhaps share more of your thoughts and feelings with your husband and help him understand where your head is right now. For me, I was in a similar boat. My husband absolutely swore he HAD to have kids when we were 28-29, but at 35, he has decided he likes it being just the 2 of us. As our careers progressed and we earned more, he realized we could do so many things that would be very difficult to do if we had to worry about raising a child. And now, he can't imagine giving up that freedom.

Try not to rush to absolute conclusions right off the bat, but open that door to conversation about the pros and cons of parenting, personal worries and fears, etc. Keeping communication open is key to any relationship, and sharing your feelings with him in an open, non-confrontational way is a great way to start gauging where you are in the relationship at present time. At least he will know you're struggling with the thought of parenthood. You never know, he could share in some of your same thoughts and concerns.

[ivh_lion]

Hi, Kate, and welcome.

My heart goes out to you. My husband and I had pretty much decided we didn't want children before we got married, and our opinions haven't wavered. But it's completely understandable for opinions to change, especially as you and your relationship evolve.

Have you thought about seeing a therapist or counselor? Or if you belong to a church, perhaps a pastor. (I know some religions are deeply rooting in the "be fruitful and multiply" philosophy, so going the pastor route might depend on what denomination you are.) It might help to have a third party listen to both sides and help you build a consensus.

Wishing you the best.

[TRENNER2]

Katek23-

Hi. The good news is that at age 28, you still have time on your biological clock. You can afford to wait 5 years, and don't need to rush things. However, that still leaves the question of whether you'd be ready 5 years from now.  Do you and your husband have family member(s) who'd be happy and readily available to help with a baby? Also, would your husband be satisfied with just one child--and just one pregnancy for you? Finally, do you and your husband have an overall good relationship with him doing a good share of household tasks? If the answer is yes to all questions, compromise with you agreeing to have one child in 5 years time is quite possible. Yes, a child is a huge responsibility, but a helpful husband and relatives can make a big difference.  Otherwise, you can kick the can five years down the road, hoping one of you changes his/her mind. Since you have already changed your mind on the issue, you might yet again. We men don't have the same time limitations as women, so your husband can afford to wait and see.