[stephandetc]

A little over a month ago my 5yo son was sexually molested (maybe even raped, not sure yet) by our neighbor's 14 year old with Asperger's syndrome.  We were all friends before this, and I'm fairly well versed with autism spectrum disorders.  Due to my own beliefs about appropriateness, I have never let my 10yo daughter alone with the neighbor, let's call him "C."  But never in my wildest nightmare did I think that this would have happened to my 5 yo, let alone when his dad was in the house (worse, while they the dad was babysitting because we were at a funeral).  It took several days for the details to emerge, but it was then obvious that my son had knowledge he couldn't have learned any other way than experience.

I'll try not to go on and on, but C admits what he was accused of.  The mom and I are all so broken up about what this means for both boys, their families and futures.  They have agreed to pay for counselling for my son.  It has been reported to the police, and C and his parents gave their statement.  Here's where it gets complicated.  It seems that there is no provision in the law for people who sexually assult a minor, when they are a minor themselves, AND have a mental disability.  Yes, C admits what he did, yes, he knew it was wrong (locked the door, told my son not to tell, lied to parents at first).  But his mental age is not 14, while his hormones and physical body are.  We have currently decided not to proceed with the charges, as the punishment could take him out of the home and into a criminal facility.  My concern with this is will this help him or make him worse?  I'm not concerned about "retribution" or punishment.  I don't want that, and neither does my son, who still wants to be friends (but we're not there, and I don't know if I ever can be).  But I am worried about the public at large. 

Is someone with Asperger's who commits this type of crime culpable?  I have not found any case comparable so far.  I don't want him locked up, I want him to get help and proper supervision.  I'm wondering if I have the right to know of his therapy, and if he's being monitored enough.  Any thoughts on this are appreciated.  You may also want to know my son's counsellor thinks he is dealing with it just fine.  To him, since day one, it's as if someone made him do something he didn't like.  It would be similar to if his brother held him down and poured slime in his mouth - no homosexual or other issues involved at this time, but he will have to deal with it later when he develops an adult understanding of the event.

[stephandetc]

A little over a month ago my 5yo son was sexually molested (maybe even raped, not sure yet) by our neighbor's 14 year old with Asperger's syndrome.  We were all friends before this, and I'm fairly well versed with autism spectrum disorders.  Due to my own beliefs about appropriateness, I have never let my 10yo daughter alone with the neighbor, let's call him "C."  But never in my wildest nightmare did I think that this would have happened to my 5 yo, let alone when his dad was in the house (worse, while they the dad was babysitting because we were at a funeral).  It took several days for the details to emerge, but it was then obvious that my son had knowledge he couldn't have learned any other way than experience.

I'll try not to go on and on, but C admits what he was accused of.  The mom and I are all so broken up about what this means for both boys, their families and futures.  They have agreed to pay for counselling for my son.  It has been reported to the police, and C and his parents gave their statement.  Here's where it gets complicated.  It seems that there is no provision in the law for people who sexually assult a minor, when they are a minor themselves, AND have a mental disability.  Yes, C admits what he did, yes, he knew it was wrong (locked the door, told my son not to tell, lied to parents at first).  But his mental age is not 14, while his hormones and physical body are.  We have currently decided not to proceed with the charges, as the punishment could take him out of the home and into a criminal facility.  My concern with this is will this help him or make him worse?  I'm not concerned about "retribution" or punishment.  I don't want that, and neither does my son, who still wants to be friends (but we're not there, and I don't know if I ever can be).  But I am worried about the public at large. 

Is someone with Asperger's who commits this type of crime culpable?  I have not found any case comparable so far.  I don't want him locked up, I want him to get help and proper supervision.  I'm wondering if I have the right to know of his therapy, and if he's being monitored enough.  Any thoughts on this are appreciated.  You may also want to know my son's counsellor thinks he is dealing with it just fine.  To him, since day one, it's as if someone made him do something he didn't like.  It would be similar to if his brother held him down and poured slime in his mouth - no homosexual or other issues involved at this time, but he will have to deal with it later when he develops an adult understanding of the event.

[libelulle]

Welcome to the board, Stephandetc.

I am very sorry and you and your family are going through this right now.

My suggestion would be to talk to the boy's therapist about how this is going to be addressed, and how to make sure that this doesn't happen again in the future, and how to make sure that C understands why this is wrong and such behaviour inappropriate. Children instinctively know what things are wrong but they might not have thought out why exactly it's wrong. Another item to discuss would be about sexuality, teaching him safe and healthy outlets for the sexual energy, making him understand in a way that he can comprehend what is going on with his body.

As to the question whether he is culpable or not, I think this is something for those who deal with psychiatry, psychology, the law and ethics to guide you through.


All my best to you and your family.

[stephandetc]

Thank you for your kind words and advice.  The issues I have with this situation are primarily due to C having Asperger's, which makes it difficult to see the possible outcome of his actions.  He understands that it was wrong (even before he did it), but I don't know if he can learn from this.  I think I have to talk to his mom about how things are going.  It's hard to talk with her now because she's already going through so much pain, I don't want to add to it.  The parents are such good people, and as if their life wasn't difficult enough with C having Asperger's, they have to deal with a lifetime of ramifications from his actions.  It's such a sad situation for everyone.  We are also not telling all of family members so that my son can be "in charge" of this issue as he grows up.  My husband is the one who thought of that.  His point was that since he had no control over what happened to him, at least he can be in control of who knows.  Thanks again.

[libelulle]

That is very wise to have your son in charge of who knows. Not everyone will have PTSD later on, and hopefully the fact that you've talked to him about what happened, gave him something that he's in control of, and the fact that he doesn't feel violated and that the ick and yuck factors are akin to a sibling making him do something he doesn't want to do will all help.

Sometimes, well-meaning people make things much much worse when they fret, cluck, pity us, ask us if everything is okay, talk about us behind our back. That makes us feel like a helpless victim, as if there's something wrong with us or that we're strange or that something should be wrong with us. Right now, your son doesn't feel or think that he's a victim, he knows that he's in charge and that no one has taken power away from him. That's very important. I think that the most damaging thing about sexual abuse is when survivors feel that it ought to be a secret that they have to keep and not tell anyone because they'll get in trouble for it. You and your husband are doing the right things by him.

Perhaps you can ask C's mom if you can talk to his therapist? Ask her also how she's doing. I hope that the adults - you, your husband as well as C's parents - have your own support network, too, as you work through this. Those who are in supporting roles need to take care of themselves, too.

[tiara30]

Hello,

My son has recently been diagnosed with mild apsergers. When he was 10 he started acting out sexually. We could never seem to get it thru his head that this was wrong. He would typically act out with younger children. As far as I know he has never has molested a child but he has done some very inappropriate things. Masterbating in front of children, playing truth or dare to get child to remove clothing...etc. He is very socially awkward around girls his age and he gets picked on alot. He told a social worker that when he was 8 he was molested by an older boy around age 12.

Last year, just before he turned 14 he went into the girls washroom and grabbed a 7 year old girl by the neck and led her into a stall. He demanded her to remove her pants. When she refused and began to cry he released her and she ran and told her teachers. He denied this to me but when questioned by police he confessed immediately.

He was charged and kicked out of school permanently. I am unable to leave him at home alone so I had to put him in foster care. He was in foster care for 9 months until social services agreed to hire a support worker for him so he could live at home.

He has been a trying time because although he has aspergers he has an average IQ. He doesnt get social cues and needs alot of coaxing to understand how others feel.

Besides all of this I am glad he got charged and had to get a lawyers and stand up in front of the public and deal with what he did. They even printed an article about it in our newspaper, without his name of course. People found out about what he did and some attacked him verbally, calling him a Diddler...etc.

He got 18 months probation and an order that he must follow the recommendations of his psychiatrist.

It's been exceptionally painful for me to watch him suffer the consequences of his actions but he has learned. He has a therapist now and social services has put the right supports in place to help him. I believe he needed all of this to happen to learn. If I had protected him I think he would have seriously hurt someones child by now and then he would be in jail.

Now its a year later and he's being home schooled and is starting to understand why what he did is wrong. He's developing some self confidence and is co-operating with house rules much better.

Had everyone covered this up I shutter to think what he would have done next. what he did was a cry for help and had he not gotten help he would have done more to get attention.