[Serendipity122812]

Hey guys!

I just married a wonderful man who has an 8 year old with severe ADHD which is well-controlled with medication.  He also has, to some extent, PTSD from abuse that he suffered before my husband came back into his life at age 4.  We have had shower issues (didn't want to get his head wet because whoever used to keep him held his head under hot water as a punishment), wooden spoon issues (screamed and hid when he saw me pull out a wooden spoon to cook--I was spanked with a wooden spoon and never had that fear.  You know that kid got beaten), and running away from me and screaming in public for no apparent reason.

Let me say at this point that I have NO experience with children.  I have experienced abuse as a child myself and to some extent also have PTSD.  He is, all in all, a super easy kid to care for, super sweet, and super smart.  All this is a necessary precurser to my actual problem...

Here goes.

The kid won't change his underwear. 

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I will explain.  I know he is not forgetting--even with his ADHD, I have put up reminders, put his stack of clean underwear in ready view and easy reach when he gets out of the shower, and multiple other things to ensure he remembers.  Finally, (honest child that he is), he admitted that he leaves his dirty underwear on any time he thinks he can get away with it---now, understand, it is actually more trouble for him to get his dirty underwear back after a shower than to grab a new, clean pair.  He will sneak and make excuses to avoid having to change his underwear.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!!!  And all this would be chalked up to the fact that he is a little boy, except for what happened yesterday morning.  I reminded him, in a calm, gentle voice, to change his underwear, used his special nickname to let him know that it was a reminder, not a reprimand (such is living with PTSD), and...he began to cry.  He still can't or won't tell me why.  I can't figure out what could have possibly made clean underwear so traumatic!!!!  A little help, please?  I'm at my wit's end, as he will literally go days without changing his underwear and give himself a rash if he is staying with someone else who doesn't know about this habit.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.  I don't think I am willing to just let this one go.

[Serendipity122812]

Hey guys!

I just married a wonderful man who has an 8 year old with severe ADHD which is well-controlled with medication.  He also has, to some extent, PTSD from abuse that he suffered before my husband came back into his life at age 4.  We have had shower issues (didn't want to get his head wet because whoever used to keep him held his head under hot water as a punishment), wooden spoon issues (screamed and hid when he saw me pull out a wooden spoon to cook--I was spanked with a wooden spoon and never had that fear.  You know that kid got beaten), and running away from me and screaming in public for no apparent reason.

Let me say at this point that I have NO experience with children.  I have experienced abuse as a child myself and to some extent also have PTSD.  He is, all in all, a super easy kid to care for, super sweet, and super smart.  All this is a necessary precurser to my actual problem...

Here goes.

The kid won't change his underwear. 

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I will explain.  I know he is not forgetting--even with his ADHD, I have put up reminders, put his stack of clean underwear in ready view and easy reach when he gets out of the shower, and multiple other things to ensure he remembers.  Finally, (honest child that he is), he admitted that he leaves his dirty underwear on any time he thinks he can get away with it---now, understand, it is actually more trouble for him to get his dirty underwear back after a shower than to grab a new, clean pair.  He will sneak and make excuses to avoid having to change his underwear.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!!!  And all this would be chalked up to the fact that he is a little boy, except for what happened yesterday morning.  I reminded him, in a calm, gentle voice, to change his underwear, used his special nickname to let him know that it was a reminder, not a reprimand (such is living with PTSD), and...he began to cry.  He still can't or won't tell me why.  I can't figure out what could have possibly made clean underwear so traumatic!!!!  A little help, please?  I'm at my wit's end, as he will literally go days without changing his underwear and give himself a rash if he is staying with someone else who doesn't know about this habit.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.  I don't think I am willing to just let this one go.

[CmLisaB]

First off, I think you are doing a great job- it sounds like you're doing everything you can. With that said, I think you should consider getting him into counseling. There's absolutely no shame in it and lots of kids nowadays see a therapist for ADHD alone. Seeing that you step-son has ADHD PLUS a past history of being abused, I definitely think therapy could help.

Hang in there and please stick around to give us updates and/or vent anytime!!

Lisa

[melissamc]

First off, I want to say that I'm glad that he has someone that cares so much about him in his life now.

I agree with Lisa that he probably needs to be seeing a psychologist. It sounds like he has some really big issues to deal with, and they can give you some guidance. My oldest is ADHD, and we learned some great parenting techniques from his psychologist. I'm not sure who evaluated him for ADHD, but did they happen to say if he has any other disorders? A lot of times ADHD has comorbids that can play into their behavior, so there could be something else going on with him besides ADHD and PTSD.

Have you thought about trying a rewards system? It sounds like it could be some type of control issue, so maybe by focusing on the positive and giving him the choice will make him more willing to give it up. I hate to even think it, but is it possible there is some hidden abuse you don't know about? I feel so bad for him for what he's gone through, sending you both lots of (((HUGS))).

[Serendipity122812]

Thanks for the feedback and encouragement, guys. I'm beginning to think that it really is a control issue, and I think the repeated intrusion of the behavior and the emotional response to having to change it was linked to the stress of the wedding, me being pregnant with my first baby (which I'm sure made me SO compassionate and understanding), and the fact that we just found out his biological mom is probably about to pass away after many, many years of hardcore drug abuse (including during her pregnancy with him). His world has been kind of upside down lately and he's really been very good about it. I'm trying to find more ways to give him control, and it seems to be helping, along with lots of positive attitudes and affirmation. He is doing MUCH better with several other issues we have had, so maybe this will fade away. We are looking at counseling, as well.
Thanks again for the encouragement and ideas!
Erin