[Faith4mw]

A few years ago my In Laws lost their job (they worked at the same place) and lost their apartment (because it was at their previous job). They asked to move in with us, which of course we agreed to. I would never turn away family that is in need of help. My Mother In Law also applied for a job at the same business I work in, which was the first thing that drove me nuts. She doesn't have a "private" bone in her body, and I am someone who keeps their work life and their private life quite separate. I don't like to talk about my personal problems at work. Now I have been promoted, and the gossip factor is driving me even more nuts. 

Now it has been years since they have moved in, and they show no signs of moving on. In fact my Mother-In-Law has taken to looking for bigger houses to rent or buy. She is looking at places that my husband and I couldn't afford on our own. So she is trying to lock us into relying on them living with us. 

It has gotten to the point I can't stand to be in my own home. The TV is always BLARING because Father-In-Law is deaf. I don't get to watch any shows that I want. I can't so much as go to the bathroom without having to answer questions of, "What are you doing?" I am in my thirties and have to "check in" with every move I make. Anyone else would spend more time at work, but she is there too. It wasn't so bad when I was going to school and had classes four days a week and went to the library for homework, but I have been done with school for nearly a year now. 

I am to the point where I think I need to tell my husband that I can NOT move into another place that would mean permanant residence for them. It is going to be live me me or live with them. My kids are in hight school, and with them moving out soon I absolutley can not stand the thought of this situation continuing. I never thought I would let any person come between my husband and I, but it has happened.

[Faith4mw]

A few years ago my In Laws lost their job (they worked at the same place) and lost their apartment (because it was at their previous job). They asked to move in with us, which of course we agreed to. I would never turn away family that is in need of help. My Mother In Law also applied for a job at the same business I work in, which was the first thing that drove me nuts. She doesn't have a "private" bone in her body, and I am someone who keeps their work life and their private life quite separate. I don't like to talk about my personal problems at work. Now I have been promoted, and the gossip factor is driving me even more nuts. 

Now it has been years since they have moved in, and they show no signs of moving on. In fact my Mother-In-Law has taken to looking for bigger houses to rent or buy. She is looking at places that my husband and I couldn't afford on our own. So she is trying to lock us into relying on them living with us. 

It has gotten to the point I can't stand to be in my own home. The TV is always BLARING because Father-In-Law is deaf. I don't get to watch any shows that I want. I can't so much as go to the bathroom without having to answer questions of, "What are you doing?" I am in my thirties and have to "check in" with every move I make. Anyone else would spend more time at work, but she is there too. It wasn't so bad when I was going to school and had classes four days a week and went to the library for homework, but I have been done with school for nearly a year now. 

I am to the point where I think I need to tell my husband that I can NOT move into another place that would mean permanant residence for them. It is going to be live me me or live with them. My kids are in hight school, and with them moving out soon I absolutley can not stand the thought of this situation continuing. I never thought I would let any person come between my husband and I, but it has happened.

[summergirl123]

faith4mw,

Thanks for sharing your story and I hope that you take from our posts enough courage to do what has to be done!  You must confront your DH and tell him how you feel and make the plans to let your inlaws move out and on with their lives so that you can do the same. 

You were kind and generous for long enough and now it is time to DEMAND that there is a change.  Please, please listen to us because I know that everyone will say the same things.  Even let your DH read this post.  It is not fair to you or to your marriage to continue on with them living with you.   You deserve your own life and your own home and soft place to come home to everyday to be a family with your children and your DH.  I feel so bad for you because as you said, your children will be growing up and moving on and these last few years with them are so important.  And, they shouldn't be spoiled by how you feel of having to share every move you make with your Inlaws.

This isn't about liking them or not or anything else, it is simply about having the RIGHT to live in a space that you feel comfortable in. 

I am a very private person like you and need my space and could never, ever have someone other than my children or DH live with me for a long period.  There are other options and in fact, I'd rather live in a 8 x 10 space and have that all to myself than have to share a big home with other people.

My sister had my mom living with her for a while and she said - like you, that she hated to even come home at night.  No one should feel like that in their own home.  Please, talk to your DH and come back and tell us what he said!!!!

Wishing you much success - because I feel for you!

Also, if you can remove them from your personal life (your home), then the work situation will probably improve a lot.  If not, we can tackle that down the road.  I would work on this first obstacle as a priority.

[elc11]

I really admire your patience. I agree with you that we must help family in need. It sounds like you "did your job", you took them in when they were desperate and gave them a safe space to get back on their feet. 

Has your husband not noticed that you are unhappy with the current situation? Is there a cultural tradition of extended family living together so he thinks the current arrangement is normal and fine including the problems?

A big question is whether the ILs can afford to live on their own, and if not, can you and dh afford to help them financially? Are there other siblings who could contribute?

I agree that you should be able to have a home situation that is comfortable and that is a haven from the outside world. 

Sometimes we end up with parents/IL living with us but IMO its when they are unable to live alone because they can't take care of themselves anymore. Your ILs don't seem to be there yet.

[Faith4mw]

Thank you so much, both for listening and offering advice. I think the most frustrating part has been the just keeping quiet and not expressing my feelings about the whole situation. 

[Faith4mw]

My husband has noticed that I am not happy, and he tries to cheer me up. He gets frustrated with his mom as well. But it is his mother.

I think the part that frustrates me the most is they have a daughter who is recently divorced and her kids are graduating high school and moving out. She has expressed the desire to share a place with her mom and dad, both because they would be sharing costs and she doesn't want to be alone. And they have another daughter in another state where they lived before (and loved living there) who has a HUGE house with lots of room if her parents desired to live there. And they don't like living here. It is too small of a place for this many people. But they stay. 

I think that  they think they are helping us with "costs of living," but in reality keep signing up for these huge bills I don't want. And for some reason keep putting them in my name. They have to have TV, which is fine. But do they really need every single channel that Direct TV offers, including all of the Spanish channels and football package? They weren't happy with my internet service, so they signed me up for one that costs 3 times what I had. 

Thank you for listening and your advice. It really does help to just be able to talk about it with someone. It also helps me get my thoughts straight for talking this out with my husband. I don't want to just attack him with "I can't take it anymore!" 

Faith4mw