[lilbutterbean]

I have been very very reluctant to discuss this on here, and in real life...but I feel completely lost and just figure if I put it out there, someone might have some advice.  Things with my dh and I have never been "awesome."  They've always been stressful and strained due to his explosive temper, name calling, and control issues.  We have been together for 8 years, married almost 6.  It took over two years before I stopped just "taking it" and started fighting back.  Asserting myself has never helped the situation, but I also don't deserve to be called horrible things and cussed at over stupid stupid things (he doesnt like what I've made for dinner, I didnt wash the right color clothes, etc etc etc). 

Anyhow, things were not great, but we functioned, and had an ok life together.  (It wasnt that he was cussing at me every day, but when he would, it would go on for hours).  Literally the day he found out I was pregnant, everything changed. He no longer would say he loved me.  He was exceptionally cruel and unsupportive  (this was VERY unplanned and I had NO intentions of having another baby). One night, he basically held me hostage in our playroom and screamed at me for hours, telling me how disgusting I was and how much he hated me.  I think a lot of this came from the iniability for him to control what was happening, but I will never ever forget those words.  ( I can forgive him, but I will never be dumb enough to trust him).

Since then, we've had major ups and downs, with us maintaining things at a pretty crappy level.  He is extremely stressed at work, and is just miserable to be around at home.  He doesnt like any of the things he used to (not just me, but ALL of his favorite hobbies) and he's just very mopey and depressed.  For a while I thought he was having an affair, but honestly, I always know where he is, he always responds to my phone calls, and he doesnt really hang out with friends (we don't drink, we don't party)...he is always with our family members.  Basically, he is always where he says he is...I've never found him to be untruthful. 

So heres where I'm confused.  Things were never great to begin with. I knew going into this marriage that he had a horrible temper, as its something his family is very open about.  I chose to marry him despite that, knowing it would be something I'd have to deal with.  But now, he says he can't tell me he loves me anymore because he doesnt love anyone, including himself or our family members (he does still tell the children).  We stopped sleeping together  because I dont feel right doing that with someone who "doesnt love" me.  When i talk about divorce, it upsets him terribly and he insists things will be ok down the road.  I think he is severely depressed as it runs in his family, but he refuses to get help. 

So, how much of this do I take before I leave?  He does little things here and there, and then has a day or two where he's totally set back.  Those days are unbearable. Nothing I do is right, nothing makes him happy.  I dont "believe" in divorce, but I have a hard time believing God woudl have intended me to suffer his abuse and neglect.  I just feel like our lives are completely unstable and I am craving security right now, even if its by my own doing.  I just feel like I want things back in order before this baby comes, even if it means filing for divorce and doing this on my own.  Right now, the girls are mostly unaware of what is going on because we've made extra effort not to argue in front of them, and he makes time to spend with them on the weekends. 

I just need some advice...I'm freaking about being a single mom to four kids, but I know I can pull it off because I'm essentially a single mom right now. Due to his work schedule, he does not provide ANY of their caretaking.  I've always joked that if we divorced, he'd see more of them b/c it woudl be court ordered. Not so funny now. 

Anyone been through anything like this? Anyone have any advice? 

[lilbutterbean]

I have been very very reluctant to discuss this on here, and in real life...but I feel completely lost and just figure if I put it out there, someone might have some advice.  Things with my dh and I have never been "awesome."  They've always been stressful and strained due to his explosive temper, name calling, and control issues.  We have been together for 8 years, married almost 6.  It took over two years before I stopped just "taking it" and started fighting back.  Asserting myself has never helped the situation, but I also don't deserve to be called horrible things and cussed at over stupid stupid things (he doesnt like what I've made for dinner, I didnt wash the right color clothes, etc etc etc). 

Anyhow, things were not great, but we functioned, and had an ok life together.  (It wasnt that he was cussing at me every day, but when he would, it would go on for hours).  Literally the day he found out I was pregnant, everything changed. He no longer would say he loved me.  He was exceptionally cruel and unsupportive  (this was VERY unplanned and I had NO intentions of having another baby). One night, he basically held me hostage in our playroom and screamed at me for hours, telling me how disgusting I was and how much he hated me.  I think a lot of this came from the iniability for him to control what was happening, but I will never ever forget those words.  ( I can forgive him, but I will never be dumb enough to trust him).

Since then, we've had major ups and downs, with us maintaining things at a pretty crappy level.  He is extremely stressed at work, and is just miserable to be around at home.  He doesnt like any of the things he used to (not just me, but ALL of his favorite hobbies) and he's just very mopey and depressed.  For a while I thought he was having an affair, but honestly, I always know where he is, he always responds to my phone calls, and he doesnt really hang out with friends (we don't drink, we don't party)...he is always with our family members.  Basically, he is always where he says he is...I've never found him to be untruthful. 

So heres where I'm confused.  Things were never great to begin with. I knew going into this marriage that he had a horrible temper, as its something his family is very open about.  I chose to marry him despite that, knowing it would be something I'd have to deal with.  But now, he says he can't tell me he loves me anymore because he doesnt love anyone, including himself or our family members (he does still tell the children).  We stopped sleeping together  because I dont feel right doing that with someone who "doesnt love" me.  When i talk about divorce, it upsets him terribly and he insists things will be ok down the road.  I think he is severely depressed as it runs in his family, but he refuses to get help. 

So, how much of this do I take before I leave?  He does little things here and there, and then has a day or two where he's totally set back.  Those days are unbearable. Nothing I do is right, nothing makes him happy.  I dont "believe" in divorce, but I have a hard time believing God woudl have intended me to suffer his abuse and neglect.  I just feel like our lives are completely unstable and I am craving security right now, even if its by my own doing.  I just feel like I want things back in order before this baby comes, even if it means filing for divorce and doing this on my own.  Right now, the girls are mostly unaware of what is going on because we've made extra effort not to argue in front of them, and he makes time to spend with them on the weekends. 

I just need some advice...I'm freaking about being a single mom to four kids, but I know I can pull it off because I'm essentially a single mom right now. Due to his work schedule, he does not provide ANY of their caretaking.  I've always joked that if we divorced, he'd see more of them b/c it woudl be court ordered. Not so funny now. 

Anyone been through anything like this? Anyone have any advice? 

[melissa_2228]

I have not been through this, but what I can tell you is that plenty of mothers of infants do end up being single parents for one reason or another. It won't be easy to care for a newborn and other children, but if it is what will make the emotional health of the household better, perhaps it is for the best. Just do what's best for everyone, and remember an unhappy mom ultimately results in unhappy children. Good luck with whatever decisions you make.

[mrsberkowski83]

I've been in your position with my oldest daughters dad. I was pregnant with her and married at 19 and divorced by 22. Which is not how I expected to live my early adult years. I could have written your post with the hurtful words, and abusiveness. Mine started with verbal and unfortunately ended in physical.

My advice is to really look at your situation and think about if it's a good safe environment for the kids. Are you arguing infront of the girls? Does he call you names infront of them? It sounds to me like he needs to be in some sort of therapy. If he was just a mean verbally abusive husband that would be one thing but if he's depressed on top of it maybe that's the route of his problems. I would let him know that you can't live like this anymore. When I left Chad he didn't believe I would do it but after so long I just had enough.

The single mom thing is really hard. Especially with a new baby and 3 older girls. But it also beats the alternative of being told you're stupid and other mean things. Just remember you don't deserve it. Maybe try and plan a weekend with just the 2 of you?

I'll be thinking of you, and we're all here for you.

[mahopac]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  And apologies for butting in on an "expecting" board when I'm not - your post must be the most recent and hit the home page for the message boards.

Your husband's depression is not something you can do anything about.  Whether you leave or stay, he will be depressed.  You can't solve it.  He can treat it if he's willing to.  My DH has suffered from depression for the 30 years I've been with him, and I eventually learned that his depression is *his* problem.  He has learned how to deal with it, at least in part because he *wants* to deal with it.

Your H's anger, OTOH, IS your problem.  I cannot imagine raising children in an environment of abuse and thinking this won't deeply, deeply harm them.  You say the girls are mostly unaware, but I'll bet they *are* aware, if he's screaming at you for hours.  You owe it to THEM to get out - even pregnant.

You are not the one to blame here, except maybe for poor judgment in marrying someone you knew was abusive ("bad temper" = abusive); you're certainly not to blame FOR his abuse.  I don't believe divorce is always the answer, either, but if a partner in a marriage is abusing the other, then he has been violating his wedding vows for years and years.  I belong to a religion that frowns on divorce, but views all life as holy, which does not mean just babies in utero but every living person in every stage of life.  That includes YOU!  Abusing another person, whether verbally or physically, is abuse of God's gift of life.  No one should EVER put up with that. 

[cheyfri]

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. My mother has always had severly abusive relationships including physically so I can relate somewhat. DF now suffers extremely from depression because of his cerebral palsy and there are days where we may not even speak or touch. It's VERY hard to deal with especially being pregnant and sometimes wanting attention from him. I am sorry I personally can't be much help but there are many women going through similar situations that I'm sure someone can help you through this. Do you have any very close friends or family you can talk to?