[kitty_kat19]

Hi, I've posted here before.  My husband is in the Navy.  He joined in May 2011.  In June 2011 he proposed to me and in August 2011 we got married.  We were so in love.  The only concern I ever had was his drinking.  He drinks heavily when with family and friends but not when we are together...  He'd have maybe one beer or so sometimes but other times he'd have so many that he couldn't walk and had slurred speach and then we got in a fight because he got so angry with me.  Anyway, we only see each other about once per month so sometimes these arguments are on the phone.  He is very sweet otherwise and very willing to comprimise. 

Now we are still living in opposite parts of the country.  Before this latest place he  was sent for school, he would always answer his phone and always respond to my texts right away.  Well, then, in the past month or so, things have changed.  Now he doesn't answer all the time and sometimes I can't reach him.  He will be hanging out in his room with other guys drinking and I know his phone is nearby.  When I brought up that it stressed me out he yelled at me.  Also, he later admitted that a female was there with him too.  I feel like I'm being paranoid but I don't like that he wasn't totally honest that he is spending time with people of the opposite sex.  I go out of my way not to hang out with guys because I don't want to cause stress. 

In about October or so, he admitted to me that he was drinking alone in order to fall asleep.  I was very bothered.  I am not a big drinker.  So, next time I saw him in person I told him I was concerned.  At first he was defensive and argued with me and said I belittle him, etc.  His mother is an alcoholic and drinks heavily every day and now has alcohol-induced pancreatitis but will not stop drinking.  I worry about that.  Well, then he calmed down and told me that he doesn't drink so much any more and went through that week of heavy drinking but said things are OK.  So, I said OK and trusted him.

Well, last week I logged onto our joint account and saw so many charges from bars and charges from a hotel.  I asked him if he was at a hotel and he said no and said he had no idea why I would think that.  I told him there were debit charges from a hotel and told him to contact his bank if he didn't charge it.  But, I had a bad feeling.....  According to his charges on his account he is making lots of purchases from bars and restaurants.  Looks like buying drinks.  But when we talk on those days he doesn't say he's out. Some nights he sounds slurred and if I ask if he's been drinking he gets mad and says he hasn't been.

Tonight was the last straw.  Earlier I told him, on the phone, that I really need him to answer his phone because I get very stressed and start feeling like i'm having a panic attack when I can't reach him.  He said when he's with someone or busy he doesn't answer.  I asked him what we can do to comprimise.  He said he'll answer his phone more or text to say he is busy.  I said that will work and we seemed happy with the comprimise.  Later in the evening he sent me a text saying he loves me so much and could not be where he is without my love and support. 

Then, later, I called because I thought maybe he was getting ready for bed.  He was wasted.  Slurred speech, everything.  I was digusted.  I find drinking to excess disgusting and unattractive.  I got angry.  I know I shouln't have but I did.  what followed was a lot of verbal abuse from him.  He said he's an alcoholic and drinks at least 5 beers every day.  He told me that he's a bad person and only ruins everything.  I told him that he told me before he doesn't drink that much.  I said I just worry about him.  He told me he needs alcohol and gets sick if he doesn't drink.  I told him I love him and want him to live a long and healthy life and maybe he should address this.  He said no.  He said he loves being f***ed up and loves drinking and would never stop.  He then said, "I want cancer for Christmas.  I don't want to live long."  I was so upset.  I told him why would he want to leave his family and me.  I'm afraid.  Is he suicidal?  What is he trying to do?  Then he said at least he knows he's not stable and he has mental problems but he said at least he's not me because I'm in denial about my problems and said I'm a nymphomaniac.  I don't know what that's supposed to mean.  He said he's a bad person and ruins everything and that being an alcohlic is in his blood and that's just what he is.  I said it sounded like an excuse to make things fail.

What am I supposed to do?  I feel like I need him to chose either me or alcohol.  When we first met he used to smell like alcohol sometimes but I disregarded it.  He's 27 and told me these crazy stories about his past when he partied a lot.  I did that too, in college, so I could relate.  But I grew up.  I think one drink a month is alright, but not daily.  I'm so worried about him.  I feel like he needs counseling.......  Should I call the base and speak to his command?  I feel like some of the comments about death were slightly suicidal.  He said he doesn't want to live to be old.  I told him that hurt because we got married to spend a happy, healthy life together.  He also said that our conversation earlier today, when he comprimised, shoes how messed up and unstable I am and how he thinks it's ridiculous. 

He told me that he's always been like this.  I don't know what to do.  I was so happy with him.  I feel like I met my soul mate.  But, this verbal abuse when he's drunk is not right.  And, if he has an alcohol addication, what do I do?  His parents wouldnt care.  They are drunk every day.  I feel like he's using that as an excuse not to succeed in life.  I'm so upset.  I can't sleep....  I feel like, should I divorce him?  should I wait until we are able to live together in a few months (we have not lived together at all, not even after marrying, because he's been at different bases for training).  We talked about this and deicded that with honesty, commmunication, and trust, we could get through this.  But he's not being honest about this female, he's not being honest about his spending..... He is being hurtful.  It's like he wants to be single.  I don't know what to do.  I was laid off so I was going to move to where he'll be permanently stationed and be with him.  I love him but not this version of him.  I'm crying now.  I am lost....  I thought this marriage was to my soul mate who loves me and who wants to be healthy and wants us to live long and happy.  Who can help me?  I am lost and sad and feel empty inside....  I am so sad.

[kitty_kat19]

Hi, I've posted here before.  My husband is in the Navy.  He joined in May 2011.  In June 2011 he proposed to me and in August 2011 we got married.  We were so in love.  The only concern I ever had was his drinking.  He drinks heavily when with family and friends but not when we are together...  He'd have maybe one beer or so sometimes but other times he'd have so many that he couldn't walk and had slurred speach and then we got in a fight because he got so angry with me.  Anyway, we only see each other about once per month so sometimes these arguments are on the phone.  He is very sweet otherwise and very willing to comprimise. 

Now we are still living in opposite parts of the country.  Before this latest place he  was sent for school, he would always answer his phone and always respond to my texts right away.  Well, then, in the past month or so, things have changed.  Now he doesn't answer all the time and sometimes I can't reach him.  He will be hanging out in his room with other guys drinking and I know his phone is nearby.  When I brought up that it stressed me out he yelled at me.  Also, he later admitted that a female was there with him too.  I feel like I'm being paranoid but I don't like that he wasn't totally honest that he is spending time with people of the opposite sex.  I go out of my way not to hang out with guys because I don't want to cause stress. 

In about October or so, he admitted to me that he was drinking alone in order to fall asleep.  I was very bothered.  I am not a big drinker.  So, next time I saw him in person I told him I was concerned.  At first he was defensive and argued with me and said I belittle him, etc.  His mother is an alcoholic and drinks heavily every day and now has alcohol-induced pancreatitis but will not stop drinking.  I worry about that.  Well, then he calmed down and told me that he doesn't drink so much any more and went through that week of heavy drinking but said things are OK.  So, I said OK and trusted him.

Well, last week I logged onto our joint account and saw so many charges from bars and charges from a hotel.  I asked him if he was at a hotel and he said no and said he had no idea why I would think that.  I told him there were debit charges from a hotel and told him to contact his bank if he didn't charge it.  But, I had a bad feeling.....  According to his charges on his account he is making lots of purchases from bars and restaurants.  Looks like buying drinks.  But when we talk on those days he doesn't say he's out. Some nights he sounds slurred and if I ask if he's been drinking he gets mad and says he hasn't been.

Tonight was the last straw.  Earlier I told him, on the phone, that I really need him to answer his phone because I get very stressed and start feeling like i'm having a panic attack when I can't reach him.  He said when he's with someone or busy he doesn't answer.  I asked him what we can do to comprimise.  He said he'll answer his phone more or text to say he is busy.  I said that will work and we seemed happy with the comprimise.  Later in the evening he sent me a text saying he loves me so much and could not be where he is without my love and support. 

Then, later, I called because I thought maybe he was getting ready for bed.  He was wasted.  Slurred speech, everything.  I was digusted.  I find drinking to excess disgusting and unattractive.  I got angry.  I know I shouln't have but I did.  what followed was a lot of verbal abuse from him.  He said he's an alcoholic and drinks at least 5 beers every day.  He told me that he's a bad person and only ruins everything.  I told him that he told me before he doesn't drink that much.  I said I just worry about him.  He told me he needs alcohol and gets sick if he doesn't drink.  I told him I love him and want him to live a long and healthy life and maybe he should address this.  He said no.  He said he loves being f***ed up and loves drinking and would never stop.  He then said, "I want cancer for Christmas.  I don't want to live long."  I was so upset.  I told him why would he want to leave his family and me.  I'm afraid.  Is he suicidal?  What is he trying to do?  Then he said at least he knows he's not stable and he has mental problems but he said at least he's not me because I'm in denial about my problems and said I'm a nymphomaniac.  I don't know what that's supposed to mean.  He said he's a bad person and ruins everything and that being an alcohlic is in his blood and that's just what he is.  I said it sounded like an excuse to make things fail.

What am I supposed to do?  I feel like I need him to chose either me or alcohol.  When we first met he used to smell like alcohol sometimes but I disregarded it.  He's 27 and told me these crazy stories about his past when he partied a lot.  I did that too, in college, so I could relate.  But I grew up.  I think one drink a month is alright, but not daily.  I'm so worried about him.  I feel like he needs counseling.......  Should I call the base and speak to his command?  I feel like some of the comments about death were slightly suicidal.  He said he doesn't want to live to be old.  I told him that hurt because we got married to spend a happy, healthy life together.  He also said that our conversation earlier today, when he comprimised, shoes how messed up and unstable I am and how he thinks it's ridiculous. 

He told me that he's always been like this.  I don't know what to do.  I was so happy with him.  I feel like I met my soul mate.  But, this verbal abuse when he's drunk is not right.  And, if he has an alcohol addication, what do I do?  His parents wouldnt care.  They are drunk every day.  I feel like he's using that as an excuse not to succeed in life.  I'm so upset.  I can't sleep....  I feel like, should I divorce him?  should I wait until we are able to live together in a few months (we have not lived together at all, not even after marrying, because he's been at different bases for training).  We talked about this and deicded that with honesty, commmunication, and trust, we could get through this.  But he's not being honest about this female, he's not being honest about his spending..... He is being hurtful.  It's like he wants to be single.  I don't know what to do.  I was laid off so I was going to move to where he'll be permanently stationed and be with him.  I love him but not this version of him.  I'm crying now.  I am lost....  I thought this marriage was to my soul mate who loves me and who wants to be healthy and wants us to live long and happy.  Who can help me?  I am lost and sad and feel empty inside....  I am so sad.

[kitty_kat19]

Hi, I've posted here before.  My husband is in the Navy.  He joined in May 2011.  In June 2011 he proposed to me and in August 2011 we got married.  We were so in love.  The only concern I ever had was his drinking.  He drinks heavily when with family and friends but not when we are together...  He'd have maybe one beer or so sometimes but other times he'd have so many that he couldn't walk and had slurred speach and then we got in a fight because he got so angry with me.  Anyway, we only see each other about once per month so sometimes these arguments are on the phone.  He is very sweet otherwise and very willing to comprimise. 

Now we are still living in opposite parts of the country.  Before this latest place he  was sent for school, he would always answer his phone and always respond to my texts right away.  Well, then, in the past month or so, things have changed.  Now he doesn't answer all the time and sometimes I can't reach him.  He will be hanging out in his room with other guys drinking and I know his phone is nearby.  When I brought up that it stressed me out he yelled at me.  Also, he later admitted that a female was there with him too.  I feel like I'm being paranoid but I don't like that he wasn't totally honest that he is spending time with people of the opposite sex.  I go out of my way not to hang out with guys because I don't want to cause stress. 

In about October or so, he admitted to me that he was drinking alone in order to fall asleep.  I was very bothered.  I am not a big drinker.  So, next time I saw him in person I told him I was concerned.  At first he was defensive and argued with me and said I belittle him, etc.  His mother is an alcoholic and drinks heavily every day and now has alcohol-induced pancreatitis but will not stop drinking.  I worry about that.  Well, then he calmed down and told me that he doesn't drink so much any more and went through that week of heavy drinking but said things are OK.  So, I said OK and trusted him.

Well, last week I logged onto our joint account and saw so many charges from bars and charges from a hotel.  I asked him if he was at a hotel and he said no and said he had no idea why I would think that.  I told him there were debit charges from a hotel and told him to contact his bank if he didn't charge it.  But, I had a bad feeling.....  According to his charges on his account he is making lots of purchases from bars and restaurants.  Looks like buying drinks.  But when we talk on those days he doesn't say he's out. Some nights he sounds slurred and if I ask if he's been drinking he gets mad and says he hasn't been.

Tonight was the last straw.  Earlier I told him, on the phone, that I really need him to answer his phone because I get very stressed and start feeling like i'm having a panic attack when I can't reach him.  He said when he's with someone or busy he doesn't answer.  I asked him what we can do to comprimise.  He said he'll answer his phone more or text to say he is busy.  I said that will work and we seemed happy with the comprimise.  Later in the evening he sent me a text saying he loves me so much and could not be where he is without my love and support. 

Then, later, I called because I thought maybe he was getting ready for bed.  He was wasted.  Slurred speech, everything.  I was digusted.  I find drinking to excess disgusting and unattractive.  I got angry.  I know I shouln't have but I did.  what followed was a lot of verbal abuse from him.  He said he's an alcoholic and drinks at least 5 beers every day.  He told me that he's a bad person and only ruins everything.  I told him that he told me before he doesn't drink that much.  I said I just worry about him.  He told me he needs alcohol and gets sick if he doesn't drink.  I told him I love him and want him to live a long and healthy life and maybe he should address this.  He said no.  He said he loves being f***ed up and loves drinking and would never stop.  He then said, "I want cancer for Christmas.  I don't want to live long."  I was so upset.  I told him why would he want to leave his family and me.  I'm afraid.  Is he suicidal?  What is he trying to do?  Then he said at least he knows he's not stable and he has mental problems but he said at least he's not me because I'm in denial about my problems and said I'm a nymphomaniac.  I don't know what that's supposed to mean.  He said he's a bad person and ruins everything and that being an alcohlic is in his blood and that's just what he is.  I said it sounded like an excuse to make things fail.

What am I supposed to do?  I feel like I need him to chose either me or alcohol.  When we first met he used to smell like alcohol sometimes but I disregarded it.  He's 27 and told me these crazy stories about his past when he partied a lot.  I did that too, in college, so I could relate.  But I grew up.  I think one drink a month is alright, but not daily.  I'm so worried about him.  I feel like he needs counseling.......  Should I call the base and speak to his command?  I feel like some of the comments about death were slightly suicidal.  He said he doesn't want to live to be old.  I told him that hurt because we got married to spend a happy, healthy life together.  He also said that our conversation earlier today, when he comprimised, shoes how messed up and unstable I am and how he thinks it's ridiculous. 

He told me that he's always been like this.  I don't know what to do.  I was so happy with him.  I feel like I met my soul mate.  But, this verbal abuse when he's drunk is not right.  And, if he has an alcohol addication, what do I do?  His parents wouldnt care.  They are drunk every day.  I feel like he's using that as an excuse not to succeed in life.  I'm so upset.  I can't sleep....  I feel like, should I divorce him?  should I wait until we are able to live together in a few months (we have not lived together at all, not even after marrying, because he's been at different bases for training).  We talked about this and deicded that with honesty, commmunication, and trust, we could get through this.  But he's not being honest about this female, he's not being honest about his spending..... He is being hurtful.  It's like he wants to be single.  I don't know what to do.  I was laid off so I was going to move to where he'll be permanently stationed and be with him.  I love him but not this version of him.  I'm crying now.  I am lost....  I thought this marriage was to my soul mate who loves me and who wants to be healthy and wants us to live long and happy.  Who can help me?  I am lost and sad and feel empty inside....  I am so sad.

[kitty_kat19]

Hi, I've posted here before.  My husband is in the Navy.  He joined in May 2011.  In June 2011 he proposed to me and in August 2011 we got married.  We were so in love.  The only concern I ever had was his drinking.  He drinks heavily when with family and friends but not when we are together...  He'd have maybe one beer or so sometimes but other times he'd have so many that he couldn't walk and had slurred speach and then we got in a fight because he got so angry with me.  Anyway, we only see each other about once per month so sometimes these arguments are on the phone.  He is very sweet otherwise and very willing to comprimise. 

Now we are still living in opposite parts of the country.  Before this latest place he  was sent for school, he would always answer his phone and always respond to my texts right away.  Well, then, in the past month or so, things have changed.  Now he doesn't answer all the time and sometimes I can't reach him.  He will be hanging out in his room with other guys drinking and I know his phone is nearby.  When I brought up that it stressed me out he yelled at me.  Also, he later admitted that a female was there with him too.  I feel like I'm being paranoid but I don't like that he wasn't totally honest that he is spending time with people of the opposite sex.  I go out of my way not to hang out with guys because I don't want to cause stress. 

In about October or so, he admitted to me that he was drinking alone in order to fall asleep.  I was very bothered.  I am not a big drinker.  So, next time I saw him in person I told him I was concerned.  At first he was defensive and argued with me and said I belittle him, etc.  His mother is an alcoholic and drinks heavily every day and now has alcohol-induced pancreatitis but will not stop drinking.  I worry about that.  Well, then he calmed down and told me that he doesn't drink so much any more and went through that week of heavy drinking but said things are OK.  So, I said OK and trusted him.

Well, last week I logged onto our joint account and saw so many charges from bars and charges from a hotel.  I asked him if he was at a hotel and he said no and said he had no idea why I would think that.  I told him there were debit charges from a hotel and told him to contact his bank if he didn't charge it.  But, I had a bad feeling.....  According to his charges on his account he is making lots of purchases from bars and restaurants.  Looks like buying drinks.  But when we talk on those days he doesn't say he's out. Some nights he sounds slurred and if I ask if he's been drinking he gets mad and says he hasn't been.

Tonight was the last straw.  Earlier I told him, on the phone, that I really need him to answer his phone because I get very stressed and start feeling like i'm having a panic attack when I can't reach him.  He said when he's with someone or busy he doesn't answer.  I asked him what we can do to comprimise.  He said he'll answer his phone more or text to say he is busy.  I said that will work and we seemed happy with the comprimise.  Later in the evening he sent me a text saying he loves me so much and could not be where he is without my love and support. 

Then, later, I called because I thought maybe he was getting ready for bed.  He was wasted.  Slurred speech, everything.  I was digusted.  I find drinking to excess disgusting and unattractive.  I got angry.  I know I shouln't have but I did.  what followed was a lot of verbal abuse from him.  He said he's an alcoholic and drinks at least 5 beers every day.  He told me that he's a bad person and only ruins everything.  I told him that he told me before he doesn't drink that much.  I said I just worry about him.  He told me he needs alcohol and gets sick if he doesn't drink.  I told him I love him and want him to live a long and healthy life and maybe he should address this.  He said no.  He said he loves being f***ed up and loves drinking and would never stop.  He then said, "I want cancer for Christmas.  I don't want to live long."  I was so upset.  I told him why would he want to leave his family and me.  I'm afraid.  Is he suicidal?  What is he trying to do?  Then he said at least he knows he's not stable and he has mental problems but he said at least he's not me because I'm in denial about my problems and said I'm a nymphomaniac.  I don't know what that's supposed to mean.  He said he's a bad person and ruins everything and that being an alcohlic is in his blood and that's just what he is.  I said it sounded like an excuse to make things fail.

What am I supposed to do?  I feel like I need him to chose either me or alcohol.  When we first met he used to smell like alcohol sometimes but I disregarded it.  He's 27 and told me these crazy stories about his past when he partied a lot.  I did that too, in college, so I could relate.  But I grew up.  I think one drink a month is alright, but not daily.  I'm so worried about him.  I feel like he needs counseling.......  Should I call the base and speak to his command?  I feel like some of the comments about death were slightly suicidal.  He said he doesn't want to live to be old.  I told him that hurt because we got married to spend a happy, healthy life together.  He also said that our conversation earlier today, when he comprimised, shoes how messed up and unstable I am and how he thinks it's ridiculous. 

He told me that he's always been like this.  I don't know what to do.  I was so happy with him.  I feel like I met my soul mate.  But, this verbal abuse when he's drunk is not right.  And, if he has an alcohol addication, what do I do?  His parents wouldnt care.  They are drunk every day.  I feel like he's using that as an excuse not to succeed in life.  I'm so upset.  I can't sleep....  I feel like, should I divorce him?  should I wait until we are able to live together in a few months (we have not lived together at all, not even after marrying, because he's been at different bases for training).  We talked about this and deicded that with honesty, commmunication, and trust, we could get through this.  But he's not being honest about this female, he's not being honest about his spending..... He is being hurtful.  It's like he wants to be single.  I don't know what to do.  I was laid off so I was going to move to where he'll be permanently stationed and be with him.  I love him but not this version of him.  I'm crying now.  I am lost....  I thought this marriage was to my soul mate who loves me and who wants to be healthy and wants us to live long and happy.  Who can help me?  I am lost and sad and feel empty inside....  I am so sad.

[celestial_cutie]

He needs professional help. It definitely sounds like he has a problem with alcohol. He needs to get away from it and stay away from it completely. People with drinking problems can't just drink a little bit every once in a while, it's all or nothing. I'd definitely call his command and tell them about you concern. His behavior could put his unit in jeopardy if he were to be intoxicated while working.

My husband is a soldier, I know it's hard, but you shouldn't have to go through this. I don't think ending the distance would stop his drinking problem. That is something he is going to need professional help with and first he has to admit that he has a problem.

I can't tell you what to do with your marriage, but if I was in your position, I don't know that I would stay if my husband wasn't willing to get help. Verbal abuse often turns into physical abuse and it could be that you haven't seen it just because you haven't lived together yet. Check out Military One Source. They have a lot of resources for spouses as well and may be able to get you in touch with someone to talk to as well. Good luck!

[deedle7544]

I was married to an alcoholic. It does not get  better.

Stacy gave you good advice, I ;hope you take it.

[kitty_kat19]

Thanks. I'm going to talk to a counselor next week. I am so sad that this is who he is..... I did talk to him about alcohol before we even got engaged. I saw that his parents are alcoholics and he drank often with his friends. I told him that I am not a big drinker and that I see it as a problem. He said that he was just hanging out with friends but that he didn't plan to drink everyday and that he knows his family has this problem but that he's consumed alcohol less and less the older he gets. I told him to please be aware of. It because I worry. Well now he's still drinking every day. And multiple drinks. He justifies it evey which way. Now if I ask him if he's been drinking he will say no but I know he's lying. I told him honesty is he only way to really have trust In a long distance relationship. He agreed but he's lying. Anyway, I am just feeling like a failure because I fell in love with someone but his is not who it was.

[celestial_cutie]

You are not a failure because of this. He is trying to keep it from you and you are doing the best you can. Is there any chance he'll start seeing a counselor?