[isysmoon]

DH and I had a discussion once again about out "issues" in the bedroom.  His response was "I'll try harder".  He shouldn't have to TRY.  He should want me.  Am I right? 

We are newlyweds.  We were married last June.  I noticed the sex dropped back within weeks of getting married.  He seems to go out of his way to avoid it.  He will stay on the couch till 11 or 12 at night and then comes to bed.  Saturday mornings he will jump out of bed, get dressed and go downstairs.  I will come out of the bathroom and he's gone!!!  WTF?

I'm at the point where I'm frustrated and angry all the time.  I don't feel desired at all.  This has NEVER happened to me in a relationship. 

People keep telling me to be seductive and initiate, but when I do that I feel nothing but tension from him.  It makes me feel so icky.   We've had intimate times where I initiated and he was texting one of his buddies about FOOTBALL.  Or he will be paying attention to TV in the middle of it. 

I'm not someone that has let myself go.  I'm in great shape, take care of myself, and am attractive.  Why does this have to be my fault?  

He aboslutely will not talk about the issue either.  He tells me over and over that he loves me and that I'm attractive.  But those are words!!!  I don't see in his actions that he's remotely interested in me physically.    Something is so wrong!!!

What am I going to do?  I go back and forth between anger and crying.  Sometimes I absolutely hate him because I feel like he got me into this marriage so fast and then pulled the rug out from under me.  He has a woman in his house to help with childcare, cooking and finances.  He wants nothing else from me. 

I am really contemplating leaving him.

[isysmoon]

DH and I had a discussion once again about out "issues" in the bedroom.  His response was "I'll try harder".  He shouldn't have to TRY.  He should want me.  Am I right? 

We are newlyweds.  We were married last June.  I noticed the sex dropped back within weeks of getting married.  He seems to go out of his way to avoid it.  He will stay on the couch till 11 or 12 at night and then comes to bed.  Saturday mornings he will jump out of bed, get dressed and go downstairs.  I will come out of the bathroom and he's gone!!!  WTF?

I'm at the point where I'm frustrated and angry all the time.  I don't feel desired at all.  This has NEVER happened to me in a relationship. 

People keep telling me to be seductive and initiate, but when I do that I feel nothing but tension from him.  It makes me feel so icky.   We've had intimate times where I initiated and he was texting one of his buddies about FOOTBALL.  Or he will be paying attention to TV in the middle of it. 

I'm not someone that has let myself go.  I'm in great shape, take care of myself, and am attractive.  Why does this have to be my fault?  

He aboslutely will not talk about the issue either.  He tells me over and over that he loves me and that I'm attractive.  But those are words!!!  I don't see in his actions that he's remotely interested in me physically.    Something is so wrong!!!

What am I going to do?  I go back and forth between anger and crying.  Sometimes I absolutely hate him because I feel like he got me into this marriage so fast and then pulled the rug out from under me.  He has a woman in his house to help with childcare, cooking and finances.  He wants nothing else from me. 

I am really contemplating leaving him.

[freelancemomma]

<<He shouldn't have to TRY. He should want me. Am I right? >>

OK, he "should" want you. Where does that leave you? I do understand your desire (need?) to be wanted, but shoulds have no place in sexual discussions. It's not like being told he should want you will make a lightbulb go on in his head. ("Oh wow, thanks for reminding me. I'll be sure to want you from now on!")

It sounds to me like he's not much into sex, period -- or perhaps not too excited about sex within a long-term relationship. Anyone who's spent time on this board knows there are lots of men like this, though the popular media keep it a secret.

I hate to say this, but it sounds to me like you'll have to accept him "as is" or reconsider the relationship. FOR ME it wouldn't be a big deal, as being sexually desired has never been important to me, but you're not me and everyone has their own bottom line. All I'm saying is that you shouldn't expect him to change. From what you've described, it isn't in the cards. Sorry I can't be more optimistic.

Freelance

p.s. Of course it's not your fault.

[isysmoon]

It's more then just wanting to be desired.  Isn't a sexual relationship an important part of a marriage?  I mean he was into it alot before we got married.  WTF?  Does a piece of paper automatically take away desire?  That's ridiculous!!  I'm just saying that he shouldn't have to force himself to want me.  Something is wrong.  It's not ok.  And it's not fair to me.

[mol42]

 Isn't a sexual relationship an important part of a marriage?

You'd have thought so, but not for some.  The "good" news for you is that you're aware something is wrong now before you're trapped and feel "bait and switched".  Can I advise you more generally to forget about shoulds and oughts, and only focus on what you want, what he wants, and whether there's something good you can achieve between you.

Something is wrong. It's not ok. And it's not fair to me.

And may not be fair to him either.  Which is why we sometimes ask you to consider divorce might ultimately be the best path.  Because it is better than the torture for both of you.

Personally, I'd be setting an internal time limit on validating this, getting him to take action (if he will) and explain his feelings, and ditto for you.  Then time for tough choices.  I'd also be ensuring good contraception, kids cause immense complications.

[isysmoon]

I already feel "bait and switched".  He KNOWS there's a problem too.  He tries to blow it off due to busy lives and being tired.  But he also doesn't come to bed till late or will work at his other job till 1 am.  He's a man, you would think he would want his wife more then once a week. 

I have tried talking to him about it and he tries to blow me off.  He will say "I love you" and "I want you".  But what good are words.  Its crap!!