[fading987]

my bff wants to sleep with me - he told me a few weeks ago that he had thought about it before - truth was that so had i, but i hadn't mentioned it before because i figured it was one sided - so did he - on the one hand, i'm glad he said something - on the other, boy did he go and make things complicated

i'm married to a great guy - i love him - and i can't imagine my life without him, but i still find myself thinking about my bff - and talking to him about it - i can't figure out why i started having these thoughts about my bff, and i can only imagine that i must think there is some issue with my marriage somewhere - i just can't figure it out - we've been together for 12 years now and married for half of it - we fight like married people do, but love eachother a lot - he keeps telling me how perfect i am for him, and i keep feeling guilty because i have never been perfect - i am not exactly the kind of girl most guys would go for - very outspoken, incredibly impulsive, tough, down to earth - a major tom-boy -

my bff claims he told me about his attraction to me (if that's even the right word) because he was drunk and blurted it out - i figured he was drunk, but he most definitely did not just blurt out that he wanted to sleep with me - we were talking over text and he strung it out, saying he was sorry for things he hadn't said - that he shouldn't say it because i was married and he was in a relationship - that he had thought about it since when we first met/worked together years ago - he said that he liked my attitude - which i find hard to believe that anyone does - maybe it's just in my head, but i've never seen my attitude as something attractive - i have never tried to be attractive to him, and i am the polar opposite of the girls he's usually around, and he's always just treated me like one of the guys, so i don't understand it at all - hell, he even told me that something about me surprised him because he thought it was too girly for me - so he found me attractive before when he thought of me as just the tom-boy? and he keeps bringing up "as long as we're still friends" - which worries me - 

i am well aware of what he wants to do - he's not afraid to say what he thinks where that is concerned - but the other things he brings up worry me that there is more than just an attraction here on his part - he is always making sure that we're still friends regardless of what is being said - we haven't had a chance to get together (absolutely for the best at the moment) since we first started talking about this, but the last time we were together, i thought he was acting a bit weird around me - much more clingy than he is to his other friends - and i think his friends thought that too - i got the feeling they were looking at me/us weird - and his best friend was also asking under his breath where his girlfriend was at - i thought it was all in my head, or theirs, especially since my husband was there too (he and my bff are friends, not close, but my hubby does think of him as a friend). - as far as his girlfriend is concerned, that is another thing that worries me - i probably should care about her and what she thinks - but he has never introduced me to her - i don't even know how long they have been together - i didn't even know her name until recently - i have seen her out before, and i know she's noticed me but i'm not sure if she knows who i am - but he has still never introduced us - like he doesn't want those 2 worlds to ever meet - as his bff, i thought it was weird, but he was just being dense - as someone he's thought about being with, i get the feeling there's more involved

i don't know what to do - i know i want him - and i know the feeling is mutual - we are both trying to prevent that, but we're doing a bad job of it - i don't know what is going to happen the next time we are together - but i am more worried about there being feelings involved on his part - i'm pretty sure there aren't on my end - i tend to act more on impulse than emotion - my emotion is with my hubby - with my bff, it's just difficult given that we apparently both have the sex drive (and apparent morals) of 16 yr olds - we talk for hours quite often - day and night - sometimes about nothing at all - sometimes about our situation - and i have to admitt, i love the attention - my hubby and i barely talk during the day at all - and since i work from home now, i welcome distractions - it really doesn't help that i have a very specific type of guy i'm attracted to, and he ticks all the boxes - i just keep trying to remind myslef of all the "pain in the ass" things he does that annoy the crap out of me 

so i don't know what i am asking - maybe about what he is thinking - i'm still hoping i can get him to tell me, but i doubt it - maybe looking for someone to stop me, but i think we've crossed a lot of lines already - and i'm not sure i want that anyway - maybe someone to tell me if it's ok to have an A with someone you care about behind the back of someone you love - i know he would feel betrayed - i know he would hate my bff for even thinking these things and he has told me before he'd be really pissed if he found out that a friend of his had ever thought about me like that - but i can't get the fantasy out of my head - i just don't know where i stand here - 

[fading987]

my bff wants to sleep with me - he told me a few weeks ago that he had thought about it before - truth was that so had i, but i hadn't mentioned it before because i figured it was one sided - so did he - on the one hand, i'm glad he said something - on the other, boy did he go and make things complicated

i'm married to a great guy - i love him - and i can't imagine my life without him, but i still find myself thinking about my bff - and talking to him about it - i can't figure out why i started having these thoughts about my bff, and i can only imagine that i must think there is some issue with my marriage somewhere - i just can't figure it out - we've been together for 12 years now and married for half of it - we fight like married people do, but love eachother a lot - he keeps telling me how perfect i am for him, and i keep feeling guilty because i have never been perfect - i am not exactly the kind of girl most guys would go for - very outspoken, incredibly impulsive, tough, down to earth - a major tom-boy -

my bff claims he told me about his attraction to me (if that's even the right word) because he was drunk and blurted it out - i figured he was drunk, but he most definitely did not just blurt out that he wanted to sleep with me - we were talking over text and he strung it out, saying he was sorry for things he hadn't said - that he shouldn't say it because i was married and he was in a relationship - that he had thought about it since when we first met/worked together years ago - he said that he liked my attitude - which i find hard to believe that anyone does - maybe it's just in my head, but i've never seen my attitude as something attractive - i have never tried to be attractive to him, and i am the polar opposite of the girls he's usually around, and he's always just treated me like one of the guys, so i don't understand it at all - hell, he even told me that something about me surprised him because he thought it was too girly for me - so he found me attractive before when he thought of me as just the tom-boy? and he keeps bringing up "as long as we're still friends" - which worries me - 

i am well aware of what he wants to do - he's not afraid to say what he thinks where that is concerned - but the other things he brings up worry me that there is more than just an attraction here on his part - he is always making sure that we're still friends regardless of what is being said - we haven't had a chance to get together (absolutely for the best at the moment) since we first started talking about this, but the last time we were together, i thought he was acting a bit weird around me - much more clingy than he is to his other friends - and i think his friends thought that too - i got the feeling they were looking at me/us weird - and his best friend was also asking under his breath where his girlfriend was at - i thought it was all in my head, or theirs, especially since my husband was there too (he and my bff are friends, not close, but my hubby does think of him as a friend). - as far as his girlfriend is concerned, that is another thing that worries me - i probably should care about her and what she thinks - but he has never introduced me to her - i don't even know how long they have been together - i didn't even know her name until recently - i have seen her out before, and i know she's noticed me but i'm not sure if she knows who i am - but he has still never introduced us - like he doesn't want those 2 worlds to ever meet - as his bff, i thought it was weird, but he was just being dense - as someone he's thought about being with, i get the feeling there's more involved

i don't know what to do - i know i want him - and i know the feeling is mutual - we are both trying to prevent that, but we're doing a bad job of it - i don't know what is going to happen the next time we are together - but i am more worried about there being feelings involved on his part - i'm pretty sure there aren't on my end - i tend to act more on impulse than emotion - my emotion is with my hubby - with my bff, it's just difficult given that we apparently both have the sex drive (and apparent morals) of 16 yr olds - we talk for hours quite often - day and night - sometimes about nothing at all - sometimes about our situation - and i have to admitt, i love the attention - my hubby and i barely talk during the day at all - and since i work from home now, i welcome distractions - it really doesn't help that i have a very specific type of guy i'm attracted to, and he ticks all the boxes - i just keep trying to remind myslef of all the "pain in the ass" things he does that annoy the crap out of me 

so i don't know what i am asking - maybe about what he is thinking - i'm still hoping i can get him to tell me, but i doubt it - maybe looking for someone to stop me, but i think we've crossed a lot of lines already - and i'm not sure i want that anyway - maybe someone to tell me if it's ok to have an A with someone you care about behind the back of someone you love - i know he would feel betrayed - i know he would hate my bff for even thinking these things and he has told me before he'd be really pissed if he found out that a friend of his had ever thought about me like that - but i can't get the fantasy out of my head - i just don't know where i stand here - 

[janejosie]

It's a tough situation.  I had an A with my best guy friend.  We were friends for 16 years before we ever acted on our attraction.  I'm not sure I could have stopped myself even if I knew what sort of complete chaos and destruction it would bring.  It's very hard to say no when there is that sense of trust with him and the physical aspect, too.  But it changes EVERYTHING.  Everything. 

The A will not continue forever.  At some point, one of you will want to end it or need to end it, or one will want more and the other will not be able to give that much.  Then it gets rough.  You will both get hurt.  You won't be best friends anymore.  And there is a good chance that with so many shared connections, your H will find out.  So you may lose your marriage, too, or hurt it, at least.

My exAP and I have stayed friends but it is very hard sometimes.  But not being friends was even harder.  We can no longer see each other in person and we have to strictly limit what we discuss to keep from veering into those unsafe areas.  And most friends who have affairs do not stay friends.  So if you cross that line with him, just know it means you are making a choice to sacrifice your friendship eventually.  I didn't realize that I was making that choice.  Like I said, I might not have been able to stop myself anyway, but life would be very different now if I had been able to refrain.  I hope you find the strength to say no.  Maybe it will take something drastic like telling your husband about these feelings.  Sometimes when the secret is out, it loses some of its appeal.  

But if you decide to do it, we will understand. We have all stood there at the brink and recognized the danger, but we still jumped anyway.  I guess that is life.

[cherry2009]

DONT DO IT .

Emotions and feelings can result in an explosive sex but it can also bring a lot of heartache down the road . The sex will bond you more with this guy but you are married to another guy , how will you handle the feeling of being torn.You will be forced to make a decision either way and none of them will be less easy.

You will do what you want to but I advice not to. Reading your post makes me feel that you are in the lust phase , which may pass if you break contact with this other guy.

[kinnerdgirl]

Run.

You are describing my story, except I had a fluid blown A with my bff and ended up having to extract him from my life. After two years of harmless flirting, then sexting, then emails and phone conversations about "what if" we had an A. It has been the mist painful thing I have ever gone through. My.husband is a wonderful person who still does not know, but has an idea. Any day now I could be discovered.
BTW, my bff pretty much pulled back after we had the A. Once they get what they were looking for, they no longer lust after you like they did before.

[sunnydaysnow]

I am also going to chime in with "Don't do it!" I sense you are already riding the speeding train to affair town. The ride seems innocent and glorious. What could it hurt, right?

There is a different feel to sex in an affair. It is off limits, breaking the rules and gives you an euphoria fix like you have never had before. The problem is, things start to get complicated.

Everyone who enters an affair believes they can check their feelings at the door. It all starts out so innocent, just FWB, just an attraction, just for fun. Life has a way of taking you for a ride you didn't expect. My affair was for a fwb situation, I had no idea I would fall in love, wasn't in the plan and then bam, there it was no turning back.

No one knows how an affair will affect them, but there is "always" fall out. Emotions, d-days, broken hearts and lost friendship.

I have been on the boards for a few years the fall outs range from heartbreak to suicide, and everything in between.

When I met my X-AP he was coming out of an affair. He told me the worst part about his affair was loosing his best friend, they tried to hold onto the friendship but couldn't. Once love feelings get involved, they can't be erased. Sex gives off endorphins that lead to emotional connection, if you or even him already have any of those emotional connection feelings, the sex will awaken them.

Your bff could feel this strong desire because technically you are off limits.

Stop and ask yourself.....Is my bff worth more to me then sex? Do you love the sexual attention more then his friendship? It can and does ruin friendships. It will also change you. Your H may or may not notice this. How will it affect you, your bff or your marriage, only time can tell that. Right now you still have a choice. So
Read the boards, see the patterns, see the highs and the lows, inform yourself. Affairs, FWB whatever you want to call it are heaven and hell wrapped into one.
Had I found this board prior to my A, it would have given me food for thought and allowed me to have a more informed choice. We ALL think our A will be different, we all think we can control it or our feelings.
90% of us can't.

Good luck no matter what you decide.

Ps...if your friends noticed a change in him since your chatting intensified, think about the changes that could come once full blown sex is thrown in.