[revolutionarybreeze]

Okay. This is going to be a bit spastic in thought process as there has been a LOT going on with H and AP in the past month.  I came to the conclusion a month ago that I really needed to leave my marriage..specifically when I realized that H has been demeaning our teenage son. (Calling him horrific names, etc.) I have said all along he is very passive aggressive...I have been putting more and more boundaries up and refusing to play my role in this game...so apparently he has turned around and started picking on our son. I have stayed in this marriage for kids and finances....I feel I need to leave for these same reasons. I have been very upfront with H about this...this is not related to AP.

That said..I was debating whether to break it off with AP so as not to confuse issues. In the end, I chose to maintain A because..I just enjoy his company.

H has asked to give our marriage our best shot for another 4 months. I agreed...but am not holding my breath as I am the one in T...and he is not changing although he IS trying to be more attentive and engaged in living..and is being nice to our chldren.ANd..well..I'm continuing A. 

I feel like I am simply going through the motions with H. I have been upfront about this with him as well..the going through the motions..not the A..though he is one who knows but doesn't want to know..  He is good with this. I think he is TERRIFIED of change.

AP in the meantime is asking if he can move in if I move out???? This just started last week.

I'm like..NO WAY!!!!  I need time with just me and my remaining children at home. I am SO not ready (or desire) another full-time relationship. He says fine..but when you ARE ready..you'll let me know right? I did NOT see this coming.

I keep remembering a time when I was in college...you know a LONG time ago. I had the luxury of attending a small women's college. My sophomore year I broke up with a guy I had been dating for several years to just figure out who I am. It was one of the best things I ever did for myself. I feel I need to do this..except selfishly? I want to hang on to AP where we are at right now. 

But for now..I ride the fence for another 4 months....and hang onto every piece of myself that I can.

Okay. Full day ahead. Thanks for giving me a place to ramble!

[revolutionarybreeze]

Okay. This is going to be a bit spastic in thought process as there has been a LOT going on with H and AP in the past month.  I came to the conclusion a month ago that I really needed to leave my marriage..specifically when I realized that H has been demeaning our teenage son. (Calling him horrific names, etc.) I have said all along he is very passive aggressive...I have been putting more and more boundaries up and refusing to play my role in this game...so apparently he has turned around and started picking on our son. I have stayed in this marriage for kids and finances....I feel I need to leave for these same reasons. I have been very upfront with H about this...this is not related to AP.

That said..I was debating whether to break it off with AP so as not to confuse issues. In the end, I chose to maintain A because..I just enjoy his company.

H has asked to give our marriage our best shot for another 4 months. I agreed...but am not holding my breath as I am the one in T...and he is not changing although he IS trying to be more attentive and engaged in living..and is being nice to our chldren.ANd..well..I'm continuing A. 

I feel like I am simply going through the motions with H. I have been upfront about this with him as well..the going through the motions..not the A..though he is one who knows but doesn't want to know..  He is good with this. I think he is TERRIFIED of change.

AP in the meantime is asking if he can move in if I move out???? This just started last week.

I'm like..NO WAY!!!!  I need time with just me and my remaining children at home. I am SO not ready (or desire) another full-time relationship. He says fine..but when you ARE ready..you'll let me know right? I did NOT see this coming.

I keep remembering a time when I was in college...you know a LONG time ago. I had the luxury of attending a small women's college. My sophomore year I broke up with a guy I had been dating for several years to just figure out who I am. It was one of the best things I ever did for myself. I feel I need to do this..except selfishly? I want to hang on to AP where we are at right now. 

But for now..I ride the fence for another 4 months....and hang onto every piece of myself that I can.

Okay. Full day ahead. Thanks for giving me a place to ramble!

[thesmallthings]

Hi RB, 

You say you will give H another four months to try and see if the M is salvagable. But you also say you are just going through the motions with H and your heart is not in it. Why not just put your heart into it for the 4 months and see where it goes. The 4 month fence sitting without really trying seems like such a waste. Might as just end it now. If you and him both put your full effort into the M and if at the end of the 4 months you still feel the same, then you will know what you want to do. It would be nice if he'd agree to get counseling for himself as well though. sigh. especially if he is taking out his frustruation on the children. 

I agree with you on the being single for a while part. Take care of yourself!

[revolutionarybreeze]

I actually came to this conclusion sometime yesterday. I think it was after reading a response on another thread about leaving a relationship a- or not, if you can't mutually give respect and dignity, etc. I realized that I wasn't giving this a fair shot. I am trying to keep a really open mind/heart with this..and (sigh) you are right. It WOULD be nice if H would agree to counseling..but that is not going to happen..I however have increased to one IC weekly and three group sessions monthly. That and taking a little time to nurture other relationships (I.E...kids, friends I haven't seen in awhile, etc.)..a lot of time for myself to just hike, meditate, play guitar, etc. Of course..to do this I have to (gasp) get up earlier...

[sunnydaysnow]

Rb, are you keeping AP in the picture for the next 4 months?

[revolutionarybreeze]

Yes. Minimally...but I'm not ready to let go yet. I DO realize this isn't fair to H...but it's what it is.  I was thinking about the question as to why not give up now if I'm just going through motions. But I am going through motions because that is all I have to give to this relationship right now. I really did check out emotionally a while ago..and I am not willing to give 100+ percent into this anymore. Maybe even a year ago..but I just don't have it in me anymore. Also? We run two businesses out of home. So we need time to make alternate plans if needed.