Hi all ....
The last time I was here was to say goodbye when I went over to EAS after agreeing (sort of) with AP to end our long term EA. I guess in a nutshell, we didn't,despite at the time feeling that it had run its course. We've now been involved with each other on various levels for 6 + years and our connection is still as strong, still teeters on the edge of a PA, still gives me (us) intense pleasure and at times, intense pain. He has mellowed over the years and is much more open about the depth of his connection to me and the conflict he feels around wanting our relationship to be physical and how that affects him in terms of his commitment to his marriage. I have to say that was a welcome change as he often left me with the emotional burden, through what I now think was just sheer inability to express what he felt for me, or understand his own motivation for wanting such a deep connection with someone outside of his marriage.
Currently we are in a weird place and if Kimber or Nevereasy (or anyone else!) has a more rational view than I do, comments would be appreciated.
We have been trying to plan more time together after a crisis before Christmas where I felt I couldn't function within this level of relationship without seeing him more often and/or for longer periods. He responded by trying to plan with me where we could see each other more, quite happily it seemed. He was lovely and the extra time together gave us loads of time to talk through stuff we never really had before. We were great, very close, very open, he was more responsive to me than I think he's ever been and it's the calmest period we've ever had. Some major plans fell through and during the discussions about making new ones he told me that spending more time together may change things and if they change it may not fit anymore which scared him. Apparently, a few weeks ago he'd decided to just go with the PA, never mentioned it to me at the time, and then got cold feet.
We are now at an impasse and have agreed somehow to see what not doing this feels like with one of three scenarios being the anticipated outcome. (His idea) One, I will 'move' in my thinking and accept the time we currently have is all we can have. Two, he will 'move' and make more time to be together. Three, we won't come back to the relationship at all, realising we are actually ok without doing it. We left each other on surprisingly calm and good terms, him seeming positive that he was likely to be the one that 'moved' and we would then have a PA. I was positive that I wouldn't move as I felt for most of our relationship that I always did, and that he wouldn't move either so therefore we had really just ended the whole thing. He didn't seem to think we would end up with the third scenario. His parting comment was a warning that if he moved I would have to live with the consequences of seeing him naked.
I am incredibly confused about the whole thing. I agreed because it felt ok and although it seems like a battle of wills, it didnt feel as devastatingly final as other endings have been. Now my head is all over the place! Mostly, I don't understand why deciding to spend more time together equals a decision to have a PA, which I know he doesn't want and can't handle and am not pushing him for. Why in his head is this the same thing and therefore such a shift in our relationship? If he is so certain he will 'move' why the 'lets see what not doing it feels like'? Does this sound like he wants to end it and is just delaying the inevitable?
Bird
