[darkeyedhoney]

Without getting into too much background (there is a lot)...I have a 16 year old daughter. Her dad and I have been divorced for over 7 years. He has remarried, and I am engaged. I also have a 12 year old son...and two soon to be 'step' sons ages 9 and 10.

My daughter is a smart girl...highest grades in her class, well on her way to be Valedictorian. She is funny and normally a wonderful joy to be around. The problem? I told her that when I got my tax refund, that I would get her a laptop. She really needs one for school. I got my refund about a week ago...she has found a laptop she wants. Her words...'it's pretty'. However, it's a bit expensive. AND, only the display is left. I have a problem getting a display model when it comes to laptops...people are not easy on them in the stores. She is visiting her dad this weekend...he took her to look at dresses for prom. Why he does that when he isn't when he can't afford to buy her one, IDK.. Anyway...she found one...for almost $400. Ok, I am a bargain hunter...she knows this. Why she thought I'd even consider paying that much for a dress she's only gonna wear once is beyond me. Anyway...she posted on facebook yesterday that she hates people who don't keep their promises. All of her posts come directly to my phone. I texted her and asked if she was upset about the laptop or the dress. She said both. I said I agree that I promised to get a laptop...however, I did not agree to get her THAT laptop and I did not agree to get it 'right this second'.

My question is...regardless of how you feel about teens having laptops or anything...have you ever had to deal with 'I hate you' scenario and how did you do it? She and I have always been very close...she has never given me a moments trouble in her 16 1/2 years. If anything, I figured it would be her brother that would do this. I am so hurt that I cried myself to sleep last night..and I never cry. I don't know how to deal with this...I feel like all I am to her is a bank...I realize a lot of teenagers treat their parents this way..but it is so out of character for her. She's always been 'mama's girl'...I'm just...devistated and don't know what to do.

Any advice you have will be appreciated...

[darkeyedhoney]

Without getting into too much background (there is a lot)...I have a 16 year old daughter. Her dad and I have been divorced for over 7 years. He has remarried, and I am engaged. I also have a 12 year old son...and two soon to be 'step' sons ages 9 and 10.

My daughter is a smart girl...highest grades in her class, well on her way to be Valedictorian. She is funny and normally a wonderful joy to be around. The problem? I told her that when I got my tax refund, that I would get her a laptop. She really needs one for school. I got my refund about a week ago...she has found a laptop she wants. Her words...'it's pretty'. However, it's a bit expensive. AND, only the display is left. I have a problem getting a display model when it comes to laptops...people are not easy on them in the stores. She is visiting her dad this weekend...he took her to look at dresses for prom. Why he does that when he isn't when he can't afford to buy her one, IDK.. Anyway...she found one...for almost $400. Ok, I am a bargain hunter...she knows this. Why she thought I'd even consider paying that much for a dress she's only gonna wear once is beyond me. Anyway...she posted on facebook yesterday that she hates people who don't keep their promises. All of her posts come directly to my phone. I texted her and asked if she was upset about the laptop or the dress. She said both. I said I agree that I promised to get a laptop...however, I did not agree to get her THAT laptop and I did not agree to get it 'right this second'.

My question is...regardless of how you feel about teens having laptops or anything...have you ever had to deal with 'I hate you' scenario and how did you do it? She and I have always been very close...she has never given me a moments trouble in her 16 1/2 years. If anything, I figured it would be her brother that would do this. I am so hurt that I cried myself to sleep last night..and I never cry. I don't know how to deal with this...I feel like all I am to her is a bank...I realize a lot of teenagers treat their parents this way..but it is so out of character for her. She's always been 'mama's girl'...I'm just...devistated and don't know what to do.

Any advice you have will be appreciated...

[bunnierose]

The first time one hears "I hate you mom" iit feels devistating, I know. My "baby" is now 20 and between her and her 3 brothers I've lost track of how often I've heard it. The less you respond to it, the less you are likely to hear it. Some kids find out that those 4 words are the key to getting what they want. I usually either tried to ignore it while sticking to my original decision or simply said "that's too bad but I love you a lot." Letting them know just how much those words hurt could be giving them an awful let of ammunition. Your daughter might not be one of the kids that would use it, but why take the chance? If it's any consolation, I haven't heard those words from my kids in years.

[ashmama]

Both of my teens have laptops, so I think that's fine. However, we picked them out and gave them as gifts when they each turned 14. Your daughter seemed to think that she would be able to choose her own laptop without any input from you regarding price.

So when she's not angry, tell her that you'd like to talk about this with her. If necessary, apologize for giving her the impression she could choose her laptop. Tell her that of course you'll honor your promise to buy her one, but you've set a budget of X. And if you do plan to buy her prom dress, then tell her your budget for that. If not, help her brainstorm ways to earn the money for it.

And I would definitely mention that you were hurt by her disrespectful words. Say it calmly and without emotion, but do tell her. And you should also bring up the fact that it is not acceptable to vent on her FB page when she had not even done the courtesy of talking to you directly. That's just wrong and it's a character issue that needs to be dealt with.

During your entire conversation with her, do not get emotional, even if she does. Just state calmly that you are going to keep your promise to her, but that she was in the wrong for treating you the way she did and that you expect more from her in the future. Even the good kids need correction every once in a while.

[sabrtooth]

We've all at least THOUGHT "I hate you" to someone we really DON'T hate.  I'm sure there have been some PARENTS who've said it to their teens, in the heat of the moment.  With teens, parents are the prime target because it's "safe" to say it to them.  Your teen knows you will not stop loving them, no matter what they say.  Plus, teens are second only to 2yo's for being self-centered, obstinate, and bratty, and the filter between their brain and their mouth is probably at it's thinnest.  Don't take it seriously, or personally. 

My dd2 just had a baby.  A few months ago, she, her sister and I were talking about how your kids will do the same things to you, that you did to your parents.  The "I hate you" subject came up, and I mentioned that altho only dd2 SAID it to me, I was sure dd1 had THOUGHT it to me.  DD1 said, "The only reason I didn't say it, was because I was afraid God would smite me!"

[musiclover12]

I think I probably would have ignored the FB post and pretended that you had no idea what it meant.  After all, she didn't say it TO you, so maybe it was her best friend who didn't keep promises.  I'm sure we have all heard "I hate you mom" and sometimes I've felt that way toward my kids--but you know that neither one of you actually "hates" each other--it's temproary dislike & anger.  Of course teenagers would like to get the "perfect" laptop or prom dress but they also have to be realistic, which is difficult if it's not their own money they are spending.  So I would just very calmly tell her that you definitely will keep your promise to get her a laptop but it has to be w/in your budget.  Same for prom dress.  I also agree that spending $400 for a prom dress is crazy when I'm sure that most prom dresses are less than $150.  Not to mention that besides the dress, she's going to need shoes, jewelry, hair, makeup--all that stuff is going to add up.