I was going through things and came across some letters my ex sent when he was in jail last month. I know, they should've been in the trash. But they weren't, and I read through where he talks about how much anger "I" have toward him, that I'm just out to get him (we have a March court date) because of things he's done..he hopes one day we can be civil and a good parenting unit for our daughter...and I start crying and thinking about how I was very mean to him when he'd call, I can't contain my anger, I can't 'fake the funk'..and that's ok..but what's not ok, is even though I did pretty well walking myself down the ledge of blaming myself, I still have the window to open to climb back on it. So, I have to come here and quickly type out a couple things. Just a couple..but the main ones that still burn. this what I'd say to him if I could, but PG version.
You abandoned our baby.
I held you down in jail while "I" was pregnant, after YOU HIT ME while I was pregnant. You berated me that entire jail stint, I basically paid for the phone calls, where he'd call and 90% of the time he dropped acid on me, constant women thrown in my face, called me fat, wh8re, sl8t, you name it..said i wasn't pregant w/ your baby..I gave birth while you were in jail!! you promised to change for her!! missing her birth made you 'wake up'...LIES..for the 4 months after she was born, you still were evil, did everything you did while i was pregnant, but it was worse, because i was alone w/ an infant. God forbid you ever called and i had a friend or relative here. And yeah, you called hourly, I went without so you could call..and you blamed all this on your stress at missing her birth, not being able to hold her...Oh did I mention how I brought my little princess to the funky jail, to appease you, to see her through glass? in the freezing weather? and you still made me cry. sometimes you'd say you'd hope we'd die on our way home. this was my life. Then you came home. to me. to us. and you were good. for "3" days. quickly fast forward to a couple months and i kick you out. but you still come around. we go to court and you insist on having visits at my house...which was fine, as i didn't want you to have her. You started coming over w/ new stuff. You got back in the drugs. you missed visits. do you remember me sobbing for you to come see your baby? begging. you never answered. then you'd call at 3am. do you remember taking back a box of diapers because I said you could come for your visit, but no you weren't staying over? You had more new stuff, lots of cash. You'd take us to dinner, then scream at me the whole way home, then leave. that's about the time you started up w/ that old hag that put that harley in her name for you. let you drive her other cars. you had sooo much money and i struggled. you did nothing for your baby. you had another life of drugs, money, friends, old hag and i just sat on pause, waiting for your visit. and i started hating your visit. you'd cry about seeing the baby, but you were here 4 min before you were dragging me in my room or getting on me, period. had to show your the boss. had to make sure i still had no friends. i wasn't moving forward at all. I still haven't. I still cry. I finally said screw these visits, you never came..when you did, it was horrible...we ended up w/ supervised visits, as you refused to do the hair drug test. you never visited her. you canceled, or didn't show. you saw your sons, and gave them lots of money and gifts, nothing for her. guess you knew she was too young to be bought. and you still would get to drop in. still had the power. would tell me you loved me..you just needed more time, you had to keep doing what you were doing to pay for the lawyer for the sh8t "I" keep putting you through....but just know you love me...and you were w/ that freaking skank...had friends..while i sat here. then WHAM..about Nov everything fell thru w/ you and the old hag..she got pressed charges for unauth use of her vehicle..emergency pfa (i didn't knw these details at the time)..but you called me. said you were 'ready' it was 'time'. you showed up and said everything i dreamed of for years..said it perfect...perfect! even though it didn't feel the same to me...and i really didn't like having you around...too hard. eggshells. crying. sucked. so now i know you lost your source for your 'stuff' and that's why..but i wouldn't budge for you. i wouldn't give you what i used to. i'm a mom to a little one again. you woke me up a lot. but before you went to jail in DEc, you started talking to that hag again...have to have that f8cking HARLEY!!! so while you were in the spank, i didn't put money on the phones, i didn't hold you down. when you called, i was hateful...so i guess it was pretty easy for you to let go..i mean, you have a whole nother LIFE don't you? while i still sit and start to pick up the pieces..while being a mom and dad...And you got out of jail while i was in the hospital w/ blood clots..and when you called me that night, belligerent and drunk that i wasn't home..you didn't know i was in the hospital. all you knew is that even tho you got out w/ and had your old hag, your bike...I WASNT HOME and that was not ok. So thanks for slashing my tires. That was nice to come home to. Even nicer that i can't prove it was you. And it was extra great to pull out of the tire place a few days later, and see you on that damn bike, w/ her a8s on the back. that made it all extra special. but its been silent ever since. You get away w/ everything. God, you're such a narcissist.
Gosh, I wrote a lot. it's not even half of what i wanted to say...but fingers cramping.
