[Live1Day]

The overwhelming silence is so hard. I know it is for the best and it will get easier, I guess..but I hate the fact he gets away w/ it all, destroyed my life and gets to walk away and immediately, on to the next..Not required to pay any price, answer to sh*t. But I sit here pathetic, lonely, stuck in the mud, with so much intense pain, anger and just lost. I struggle w/ our 2 year old and he rides a sparkling Harley, with lots of money that some disgusting hag provides him. I'm so stuck stuck stuck. I learned in therapy that I can think what I want, just can't act on it...but I don't want to hate him, that ugly woman..I want to prove to her that he wrote me, wanted to come here, etc..I know she probably knows he is with her for what she gives him. I know he probably is wreaking havoc in her life. But I don't want to care. I don't want him to be a thought in my head.

Who knows..maybe he is changing and is being amazing and turning his life around.

[Live1Day]

The overwhelming silence is so hard. I know it is for the best and it will get easier, I guess..but I hate the fact he gets away w/ it all, destroyed my life and gets to walk away and immediately, on to the next..Not required to pay any price, answer to sh*t. But I sit here pathetic, lonely, stuck in the mud, with so much intense pain, anger and just lost. I struggle w/ our 2 year old and he rides a sparkling Harley, with lots of money that some disgusting hag provides him. I'm so stuck stuck stuck. I learned in therapy that I can think what I want, just can't act on it...but I don't want to hate him, that ugly woman..I want to prove to her that he wrote me, wanted to come here, etc..I know she probably knows he is with her for what she gives him. I know he probably is wreaking havoc in her life. But I don't want to care. I don't want him to be a thought in my head.

Who knows..maybe he is changing and is being amazing and turning his life around.

[queen.brat]

All your thoughts arenormal from what I am told and what I have read but that doesn't mke them any easier to deal with. I am raising three teenagers by myself wile he lives it up in Florida. Ok I dont know if he is living it up all I know is I am stuck in NY working two jobs, may pick up a third at the rate things are going and one was offered to me yesterday to wok a day or two a week over night watching an elderly lady, and he appears to have no worried in the world. He doesn't even have to work because he is getting social security. It isn't fair but I know he isnt going to ever change and even if he did I don't want to be with him. Being with him was worse then how I am working my ass off to get no where and struggling. Remind your self of the bad times!! Fo me when it gets really bad I remind myself that he almost killed me not just with his hands but he was killing me inside! Also look at the face of your beautiful two year and know you do not want him seeing that behavior. The scars it leaves on children is heart breaking!!

I wasn't going to tell this story here but I will. The other night I got very upset and hit the wall. I know better and it hurt but I hit it anyway. My 13 year curled up in a ball over this. I have hit the wall before and she always gets upset, I need a stand for my stupid punching bag, but not like this. It hit me instantly why. She had a flash back to him doing that. She is 13 and because I didn't leave him earlier she gets to deal with PTSD and relive that crap, she was seven when I left. I feel so bad for her and hate myself for doing that to her the other night and that she witnessed stuff to cause that. I won't be hitting any walls again!!

My youngest was three when we left and she gets upset by stuff like that too. She is now 10 and still has memories from when we lived with him. My son is 16 and thankfully has turned around in the last nine months because he was on his way to being an abuser!! Please think of how your son is better off and don't make the same mistakes i made!!

Your grieving what you thought you had and never really did or will with him. Let go of those thoughts and remind your self hourly if you have to that life is better without him and know he is now happy. An abuser is never happy!! The best revenage truly is living well. I would rather work 24/7 then ever even consider taking back my ex even if he some how changed. Changing does not make the things he did ok.

You will get thought this. It takes time but you are stronger then you feel you are. You survied the abuse and will get past this!! Hugs!!!

[cajunharmony]

"Who knows..maybe he is changing and is being amazing and turning his life around."

Sweetie, that quote up there is a huge line of BS that you are feeding yourself. He is NOT changing one iota. He's just found a new victim - one with plenty of money and a willingness to spend it on him. And all of these awful things you keep calling yourself - pathetic, lonely, etc., you have the power to change. Please contact your local dv agency about support group and/or counseling. The feelings you are experiencing are common to ALL of us here on this board.

[Live1Day]

Wow, what you said about your daughter's reaction to you hitting the wall was a lot to think about and I appreciate you putting it out there. You're so right about what it does to kids. Me giving birth to our daughter is what really drove me to start pulling away. I had no intention of having kids w/ him (we were together 6 yrs when I got pregnant) and something really struck me when he WENT to jail for most of my pregnancy, until the baby was 4 months old..I was very alone while pregnant, supported his ass in jail, he constantly berated me and I chalked (that time) up to him being so upset missing our daughter's birth...he promised change, again...And 3.."3" days home from jail, he was already putting me down and I quickly stopped looking forward to the end of my work day and coming home to him. I didn't want my little girl to see her dad treat her mom so freaking bad! He thinks because there's less physical violence, it's not so bad...I'm telling you, I almost forget my first name..I'm always having other women thrown in my face, I'm a wh*re, pig, fat, sl*t...neverending. I need to remember that. This lonely life and silence is so much better than walking on eggshells, giving in to his tantrums for something HE has to have (like a weekly haircut, but the baby needs shoes and I wear the same outfits over and over)...so let him have his old lady, let her give him everything he demands and she can lose her inner smile..I can work on getting mine back somehow. I'm so ashamed for what I've let him get away with (I have 2 much older kids that have gone thru hell w/ this too)...

Do you know that after I kicked him out, and he got involved in whatever..he had so so so much money and didn't throw a dime my way. I did end up filing for support (which is a pathetic joke of an amount) and he said how I love putting him 'through the system'...i'm also such a 'cop happy' or 'court happy' wh*re. So he is buying whatever he wants, brand new everything and didn't throw a dime my way..after years of giving him everything I had, doing without, replacing shirts he destroyed, not buying new clothes..and the cell phones..he broke em weekly...I did everything, lost so much and he didn't look out for me, nevermind his baby daughter. So after being alone and pregnant, seeing how he was when he came home to her, and then how he deserted her when he was financially set..that really broke me.

So I again thank you for sharing your daughter's reaction to you hitting the wall. You're right about the kids and the affect. I could see the change in my baby daughter when he was around...Do you know he would throw tantrums for sex, make me leave my toddler in another room, just so he can get off? Isn't that sick? And he would be aggravated when she would cry for me..Wow, I have to really start remembering this crap..self serving narcissistic SOB that he is. I could go on forever. I wish I could feel this empowered always.

gotta run. hugs

[Live1Day]

And in my heart I know he's most likely not changing. Just because he is not bothering me doesn't mean he's being a good man. I'm just not used to him not calling or anything.