im really glad i found this forum because i couldnt really find a place to talk about an unplanned unwanted pregnancy where there wernt really judgemental responses especially from women who couldnt conceive.
ive read a few women talking about similar situations here - im 24 and for the past 4 years been dealing with massive life changes and difficult medical problems, and the last 2 years spiralled down into just a dark depression, anxiety, self harming and wanting to commit suicide. i tried for so long to find help but nothing seemed to help, so last year i tried to get my self together by doing something id always wanted to do - travel. i went to south america and then asia and i saw some beautiful sites and met some wonderful people, then after about six months i just was falling back into the same place - things got difficult, and found myself alone around people i couldnt trust. i met this guy who just is so optimistic and funny and wants
to make everyone happy, and he fell in love with me. i really didnt feel much more for him than as a best friend, but i was so exhausted and down i just stayed with him. i am a devout christian and didnt believe in pre marital sex, but he just couldnt seem to control himself and i got tired of fighting it so started sleeping with him, but took precautions cus i was terrified of getting pregnant. then around christmas i went home to visit my family and found out i was pregnant. i couldnt believe it - wed been so careful. i read some women saying it was like a cruel joke, thats exactly what it felt like. i was yelling at god - why would you do this to me now, this is the worst and darkest time in my life. i had a complete breakdown, i was in such a state that my best friend, who is pro life, even suggested aborting since it was so early, she was just worried about me. but i am strictly pro life so as tempting as it seemed to just make it go away, i couldnt. i felt trapped and its been that way ever since. i feel like i have no choices anymore because there is a child and i have to do whatever it takes to make him/her happy. i told my mom, and she told the rest of the family and all hell broke loose because ive just always tried to do really good things in my life to make them proud of me. they couldnt get their head around the fact that i of all people would do this. even though it was an accident they think i was irresponsible. i told the father immediately, he is asian, loves kids, is such a kind and selfless guy hes going to make a great dad. he was shocked but promised to do whatever it takes to support us and make me happy. we thought moving to my home country is the best option because in his country he gets such low wages its literally about 400 dollars/month. when my family found out i was actually going to include this guy in the childs life, all hell broke loose again. they think he is a bad guy who now has a golden ticket cus he got a western girl pregnant. ive tried to explain that he is a really really good person, that even though they havnt met him please give him a chance. it blew up so badly there i cant describe. my dad said if i stay with this guy he will cut me off completely, wants nothing to do with me, my bf or to even see the child ever again. my brother cut me off instantly too. i came back to asia to meet my bf and discuss what to do to make this work, and since then the couple of family members that seemed to be supporting me grew distant and cold, i tried to write to my family and explain how difficult this was that i was trying to do the best i could to work it out, but no response and every time i write i just seem to make them hate me even more. in torn up because i know ive hurt them so badly which is why they are reacting this way. i feel like the worst person in the world to hurt people like this. since i found out i was pregnant ive been so depressed and stressed and its just been one thing after another. since ive been back in asia ive tried to do the right thing for my child - marry the guy so i can get a permenant visa. we are staying here because we dont have much time to get him settled at home with a visa and work before the baby comes. since ive been back i experienced a really difficult 1st trimester in terms of sickness, pain and exhaustion. at first i just felt ill around my husband, literally nauseous, angry or both - maybe due to the pregnancy, stress and everything. but its confused me as now i dont know if i can bare to be with him at all. but i married him, i didnt feel like i had any other choice at the time and still dont. hes all i have. he sticks by me through thick and thin and loves me even though ive pushed him away, yelled and hit him and taken it all out on him. hes been so perfect ive tried to force myself to love him, it would be easier. he wants this child so much, he told me that if i didnt love him, or want to stay in this country (i dont, its a messed up corrupt and racist country) fine justleave the child with him and he will raise it, but how can i abandon my child? as weird as i feel about it now, i know ill love it as i love children. i volunteered in an orphanage as a missionary and wanted to take all the babies home and love them. i couldnt do that or give them up for adoption. i just feel so trapped because i dont have any choices- i just want to do the best for my child and so it feels like i have none, and gave to stay with a man who maybe cant make me happy, in an awful country and just be unhappy? and i deserve all of that - i cant blame anyone else for this. im just so alone right now, i have no friends here. i just have my husband and we fight all the time. i just feel so emotionally and physically drained with everything thats happened, i cant be a mother. im just going to end up screwing up this childs life.
sorry for how long this is, i havnt had anyone to talk to. if anyone can see some light in this and some hope, thats all i need. i have no hope or faith right now.
