[kitty_kat19]

Hi, I've posted here before.  My husband is in the Navy.  He joined in May 2011.  In June 2011 he proposed to me and in August 2011 we got married.  We were so in love.  The only concern I ever had was his drinking.  He drinks heavily when with family and friends but not when we are together...  He'd have maybe one beer or so sometimes but other times he'd have so many that he couldn't walk and had slurred speach and then we got in a fight because he got so angry with me.  Anyway, we only see each other about once per month so sometimes these arguments are on the phone.  He is very sweet otherwise and very willing to comprimise. 

Now we are still living in opposite parts of the country.  Before this latest place he  was sent for school, he would always answer his phone and always respond to my texts right away.  Well, then, in the past month or so, things have changed.  Now he doesn't answer all the time and sometimes I can't reach him.  He will be hanging out in his room with other guys drinking and I know his phone is nearby.  When I brought up that it stressed me out he yelled at me.  Also, he later admitted that a female was there with him too.  I feel like I'm being paranoid but I don't like that he wasn't totally honest that he is spending time with people of the opposite sex.  I go out of my way not to hang out with guys because I don't want to cause stress. 

In about October or so, he admitted to me that he was drinking alone in order to fall asleep.  I was very bothered.  I am not a big drinker.  So, next time I saw him in person I told him I was concerned.  At first he was defensive and argued with me and said I belittle him, etc.  His mother is an alcoholic and drinks heavily every day and now has alcohol-induced pancreatitis but will not stop drinking.  I worry about that.  Well, then he calmed down and told me that he doesn't drink so much any more and went through that week of heavy drinking but said things are OK.  So, I said OK and trusted him.

Well, last week I logged onto our joint account and saw so many charges from bars and charges from a hotel.  I asked him if he was at a hotel and he said no and said he had no idea why I would think that.  I told him there were debit charges from a hotel and told him to contact his bank if he didn't charge it.  But, I had a bad feeling.....  According to his charges on his account he is making lots of purchases from bars and restaurants.  Looks like buying drinks.  But when we talk on those days he doesn't say he's out. Some nights he sounds slurred and if I ask if he's been drinking he gets mad and says he hasn't been.

Tonight was the last straw.  Earlier I told him, on the phone, that I really need him to answer his phone because I get very stressed and start feeling like i'm having a panic attack when I can't reach him.  He said when he's with someone or busy he doesn't answer.  I asked him what we can do to comprimise.  He said he'll answer his phone more or text to say he is busy.  I said that will work and we seemed happy with the comprimise.  Later in the evening he sent me a text saying he loves me so much and could not be where he is without my love and support. 

Then, later, I called because I thought maybe he was getting ready for bed.  He was wasted.  Slurred speech, everything.  I was digusted.  I find drinking to excess disgusting and unattractive.  I got angry.  I know I shouln't have but I did.  what followed was a lot of verbal abuse from him.  He said he's an alcoholic and drinks at least 5 beers every day.  He told me that he's a bad person and only ruins everything.  I told him that he told me before he doesn't drink that much.  I said I just worry about him.  He told me he needs alcohol and gets sick if he doesn't drink.  I told him I love him and want him to live a long and healthy life and maybe he should address this.  He said no.  He said he loves being f***ed up and loves drinking and would never stop.  He then said, "I want cancer for Christmas.  I don't want to live long."  I was so upset.  I told him why would he want to leave his family and me.  I'm afraid.  Is he suicidal?  What is he trying to do?  Then he said at least he knows he's not stable and he has mental problems but he said at least he's not me because I'm in denial about my problems and said I'm a nymphomaniac.  I don't know what that's supposed to mean.  He said he's a bad person and ruins everything and that being an alcohlic is in his blood and that's just what he is.  I said it sounded like an excuse to make things fail.

What am I supposed to do?  I feel like I need him to chose either me or alcohol.  When we first met he used to smell like alcohol sometimes but I disregarded it.  He's 27 and told me these crazy stories about his past when he partied a lot.  I did that too, in college, so I could relate.  But I grew up.  I think one drink a month is alright, but not daily.  I'm so worried about him.  I feel like he needs counseling.......  Should I call the base and speak to his command?  I feel like some of the comments about death were slightly suicidal.  He said he doesn't want to live to be old.  I told him that hurt because we got married to spend a happy, healthy life together.  He also said that our conversation earlier today, when he comprimised, shoes how messed up and unstable I am and how he thinks it's ridiculous. 

He told me that he's always been like this.  I don't know what to do.  I was so happy with him.  I feel like I met my soul mate.  But, this verbal abuse when he's drunk is not right.  And, if he has an alcohol addication, what do I do?  His parents wouldnt care.  They are drunk every day.  I feel like he's using that as an excuse not to succeed in life.  I'm so upset.  I can't sleep....  I feel like, should I divorce him?  should I wait until we are able to live together in a few months (we have not lived together at all, not even after marrying, because he's been at different bases for training).  We talked about this and deicded that with honesty, commmunication, and trust, we could get through this.  But he's not being honest about this female, he's not being honest about his spending..... He is being hurtful.  It's like he wants to be single.  I don't know what to do.  I was laid off so I was going to move to where he'll be permanently stationed and be with him.  I love him but not this version of him.  I'm crying now.  I am lost....  I thought this marriage was to my soul mate who loves me and who wants to be healthy and wants us to live long and happy.  Who can help me?  I am lost and sad and feel empty inside....  I am so sad.

[kitty_kat19]

Hi, I've posted here before.  My husband is in the Navy.  He joined in May 2011.  In June 2011 he proposed to me and in August 2011 we got married.  We were so in love.  The only concern I ever had was his drinking.  He drinks heavily when with family and friends but not when we are together...  He'd have maybe one beer or so sometimes but other times he'd have so many that he couldn't walk and had slurred speach and then we got in a fight because he got so angry with me.  Anyway, we only see each other about once per month so sometimes these arguments are on the phone.  He is very sweet otherwise and very willing to comprimise. 

Now we are still living in opposite parts of the country.  Before this latest place he  was sent for school, he would always answer his phone and always respond to my texts right away.  Well, then, in the past month or so, things have changed.  Now he doesn't answer all the time and sometimes I can't reach him.  He will be hanging out in his room with other guys drinking and I know his phone is nearby.  When I brought up that it stressed me out he yelled at me.  Also, he later admitted that a female was there with him too.  I feel like I'm being paranoid but I don't like that he wasn't totally honest that he is spending time with people of the opposite sex.  I go out of my way not to hang out with guys because I don't want to cause stress. 

In about October or so, he admitted to me that he was drinking alone in order to fall asleep.  I was very bothered.  I am not a big drinker.  So, next time I saw him in person I told him I was concerned.  At first he was defensive and argued with me and said I belittle him, etc.  His mother is an alcoholic and drinks heavily every day and now has alcohol-induced pancreatitis but will not stop drinking.  I worry about that.  Well, then he calmed down and told me that he doesn't drink so much any more and went through that week of heavy drinking but said things are OK.  So, I said OK and trusted him.

Well, last week I logged onto our joint account and saw so many charges from bars and charges from a hotel.  I asked him if he was at a hotel and he said no and said he had no idea why I would think that.  I told him there were debit charges from a hotel and told him to contact his bank if he didn't charge it.  But, I had a bad feeling.....  According to his charges on his account he is making lots of purchases from bars and restaurants.  Looks like buying drinks.  But when we talk on those days he doesn't say he's out. Some nights he sounds slurred and if I ask if he's been drinking he gets mad and says he hasn't been.

Tonight was the last straw.  Earlier I told him, on the phone, that I really need him to answer his phone because I get very stressed and start feeling like i'm having a panic attack when I can't reach him.  He said when he's with someone or busy he doesn't answer.  I asked him what we can do to comprimise.  He said he'll answer his phone more or text to say he is busy.  I said that will work and we seemed happy with the comprimise.  Later in the evening he sent me a text saying he loves me so much and could not be where he is without my love and support. 

Then, later, I called because I thought maybe he was getting ready for bed.  He was wasted.  Slurred speech, everything.  I was digusted.  I find drinking to excess disgusting and unattractive.  I got angry.  I know I shouln't have but I did.  what followed was a lot of verbal abuse from him.  He said he's an alcoholic and drinks at least 5 beers every day.  He told me that he's a bad person and only ruins everything.  I told him that he told me before he doesn't drink that much.  I said I just worry about him.  He told me he needs alcohol and gets sick if he doesn't drink.  I told him I love him and want him to live a long and healthy life and maybe he should address this.  He said no.  He said he loves being f***ed up and loves drinking and would never stop.  He then said, "I want cancer for Christmas.  I don't want to live long."  I was so upset.  I told him why would he want to leave his family and me.  I'm afraid.  Is he suicidal?  What is he trying to do?  Then he said at least he knows he's not stable and he has mental problems but he said at least he's not me because I'm in denial about my problems and said I'm a nymphomaniac.  I don't know what that's supposed to mean.  He said he's a bad person and ruins everything and that being an alcohlic is in his blood and that's just what he is.  I said it sounded like an excuse to make things fail.

What am I supposed to do?  I feel like I need him to chose either me or alcohol.  When we first met he used to smell like alcohol sometimes but I disregarded it.  He's 27 and told me these crazy stories about his past when he partied a lot.  I did that too, in college, so I could relate.  But I grew up.  I think one drink a month is alright, but not daily.  I'm so worried about him.  I feel like he needs counseling.......  Should I call the base and speak to his command?  I feel like some of the comments about death were slightly suicidal.  He said he doesn't want to live to be old.  I told him that hurt because we got married to spend a happy, healthy life together.  He also said that our conversation earlier today, when he comprimised, shoes how messed up and unstable I am and how he thinks it's ridiculous. 

He told me that he's always been like this.  I don't know what to do.  I was so happy with him.  I feel like I met my soul mate.  But, this verbal abuse when he's drunk is not right.  And, if he has an alcohol addication, what do I do?  His parents wouldnt care.  They are drunk every day.  I feel like he's using that as an excuse not to succeed in life.  I'm so upset.  I can't sleep....  I feel like, should I divorce him?  should I wait until we are able to live together in a few months (we have not lived together at all, not even after marrying, because he's been at different bases for training).  We talked about this and deicded that with honesty, commmunication, and trust, we could get through this.  But he's not being honest about this female, he's not being honest about his spending..... He is being hurtful.  It's like he wants to be single.  I don't know what to do.  I was laid off so I was going to move to where he'll be permanently stationed and be with him.  I love him but not this version of him.  I'm crying now.  I am lost....  I thought this marriage was to my soul mate who loves me and who wants to be healthy and wants us to live long and happy.  Who can help me?  I am lost and sad and feel empty inside....  I am so sad.

[sunnysideupinrome]

This is a really tough situation and I am sorry you are going through it. I would say definitely he is an alcoholic and he is nowhere close to admitting it or being in a position that he would get better. His attitude is terrible about it but that is what addicts do. He will get angry, he might even get physically abusive with you if you were to live together. This seems like a very serious addiction and I would not have the patience or strenght to deal with it. If you don't leave him, you will have some serious difficult times ahead of you.

[fissatore]

In 2008 you posted about a b/f that was beating you and abusing you.......right?  Is this the same guy?

Same guy, different guy......no matter.  How long did you know him before you married him? 

When someone drinks to the point of a drunken falling down stupor with his friends, then he's an alcoholic.  When he was with you, he didn't drink much?  That's because he was trying to make a good impression on you.  I'm sure that didn't last long.

If he's that much of a drinker, the Navy will eventually catch on, and he may be discharged for that reason.  He's certainly not fit to defend his country.  If you report him to his commander, he'll know and if you think he's abusive NOW.....wait.  If he's blowing all his money on drinking and hotels (probably with women), and now that you've confronted him, he'd doing the typical abuser thing.........turnng it around and making it all your fault.

You've made a huge mistake marrying this man.  He's an alcoholic, he can't be trusted, and he's not even there with you.  You also need to stop calling him incessantly.  If he doesn't answer, leave him a voice mail, and LET IT GO.  You know very well he's ignoring you.....so stop making yourself miserable.

Why does HE have to choose?  He has no interest in quitting, so obviously he chooses the alcohol, not you!  You need to understand that you can't change him, and he's not going to change himself.  You love him, but not this version of him?  This IS him.....the only version there is!  It's time for you to start respecting yourself, and get a lawyer. 

And then, before you ever get into another relationship, get some professional counseling because you have a serious lack of judgement when it comes to picking men.

[kitty_kat19]

No, actually that was a different guy...  But, unfortunately, this is not a good pattern, is it?  I was with that guy in 2008, then I was with another guy who ended up hurting me and I had to file a protective order against him.  We went to court and the judge made the order for one year.  Now I'm with this new guy.  They all seemed different when I first met them.  We got married pretty fast after meeting since he's in the military.... 

[izzyandalexsmommy]

I married my DH while he was in the military. 

It is pretty common for partying and heavy drinking to occur, especially during training.  There really isn't much to do beyond that, in many cases.  And dependent on where he is training, his transportation may also be limited.

I can say my DH drank a lot more during his times in training, then he did when he was actually stationed somewhere. 

I won't say it is common for verbal abuse, that is not something I ever experienced in my marriage, whether we were long distance at the time or not.

We also set up a routine, so neither of us felt like we were chasing the other one down.  We had a set time we talked to each other, and then went on with our lives otherwise.  It was the only way to get through long periods apart.  The only time this didn't work very well, is when DH was deployed.  But that was at the beginning of the war, and communication was very limited across the spectrum.  Otherwise we had a schedule.

I do agree the woman is a red flag.  As a former Army Wife, I can be honest as say that usually if a woman starts to hang out with a group of men, it is usually a red flag.  Even if none of them intend to cross boundaries, they often do.  Usually these women act like a male buddy, and then boundaries blur.  And things happen.  That is not always the case, but it does happen often enough for it to be a common issue.

If it were me.  I would think long and hard at just how much of a battle you are willing to fight.  It could very well be that he chills out, once you two are together.  Until then, he is going to continue behaving like a bachelor, because essentially that is what he is.  And you two were not keeping a household together before he left, so he doesn't have much to go by.  And being that he is more than likely surrounded by mostly single service members.  It's a group mentality. 

But do think long and hard. Decide, for yourself what you are willing to work on.  And then lay it all out for him.  Be very clear, on what terms you expect.  And when you do present your position, do so in a manner that does not allow him to grow defensive, manipulative, or negotiate with you.  The key is to lay out what YOU NEED from him, in order for this marriage to work.  If he can't give you that, then I would definitely find an attorney.